skull
Welcome to the humour section of The All Seeing Eye.

Home

Traditions start somewhere

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


Deodorent

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some anal deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to her that they don't sell anal deodorant, and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold such an item, smiles at the thick blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Chemist." The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some anal deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" says the Chemist. "Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."


Comprehending IT

Comprehending IT - Take One

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending IT - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT guy said, "I like both." "Both?" The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending IT - Take Three

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending IT - Take Four

An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


Shoot the pig

A rancher in Oz was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the ranch for advice. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said "Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: "I did what you said, boss, I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem but I still can't go on." "Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?" "Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."


Jim's Nails

There was this man called Jim who owned a small company which manufactured nails. One day he was out for a drink in a pub when he saw Bob - a guy he used to go to school with. They get talking and Bob asks Jim what he is doing these days. "I own my own nail manufacturing company called Jim's Nails" he says, "It's only a small company but it keeps me and my wife happy. What are you doing?"
"Oh, I am quite high up in an advertising company. We make adverts for TV" Bob says, "I tell you what, since we were friends at school I'll make you an advert for free" Jim protests and says he couldn't possibly ask him to do that but eventually agrees to it.br>A few days later Bob phones him up to say that his advert will be on in between Coronation Street. Jim gets a few beers in and sits down and waits for his advert. The advert is simply a picture of Jesus nailed to a cross with the caption 'USE JIM'S NAILS' written in large letters underneath.
Being a good catholic, Jim is outraged. He phones Bob up and asks him what the hell he thinks he is doing. Bob apologises profusely and after much persuasion Jim agrees to let Bob do another advert for him to make it up to him. Another few days later Jim receives a phone call telling him that the new advert will be on in between The Bill. Again, Jim sits down with a few beers and a couple of friends and waits.
The new adverts comes on... Jesus is running through the desert with sweat pouring off his brow - he is obviously running for his life. The camera pans out to reveal two Roman Guards about 100 yards behind Jesus chasing after him. The camera zooms in on the guards just as one says to the other, "I told you we should have used Jim's Nails"

Q. Where would you find a duck with no legs
A.Where you left it.


Sandwich fillings

A bloke was walking past this shop one time when he saw on the window, "Any sandwich filling you want or $100".
He thought that was interesting and so he went into the shop and asked if anyone ever won the money.
The man behind the counter said "Yeah yesterday a guy came in and wanted elephant's balls on toast, but we had ran out of bread."


The Archbishop

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".





Home


http://www.gosplash.com/