Welcome to the humour section of The All Seeing Eye.
Traditions start somewhere|
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting
ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the
trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he
began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went
to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was
a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.
Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would
you like me to put it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some anal deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to her that they don't sell anal deodorant, and never have.
The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here
on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well
that they don't stock, or have ever sold such an item, smiles at the thick blonde and says, "One moment
please, I will get the Chemist." The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I
would like to buy some anal deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't
have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" says
the Chemist. "Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands
it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push
Comprehending IT - Take One
Two IT guys were
walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second
IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
IT - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT guy said, "I like both." "Both?" The IT guy replied
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
Comprehending IT - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending IT - Take Four
An IT guy was
crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT
guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING
you want." Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you
for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Shoot the pig
rancher in Oz was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the
ranch for advice. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing
so much I can't get him free" he said "Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303.
Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the
bullbars and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: "I did what
you said, boss, I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem
but I still can't go on." "Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?" "Well it's his motorbike,
the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
There was this man called
Jim who owned a small company which manufactured nails. One day he was out for a drink in a pub when
he saw Bob - a guy he used to go to school with. They get talking and Bob asks Jim what he is doing these
days. "I own my own nail manufacturing company called Jim's Nails" he says, "It's only a small company
but it keeps me and my wife happy. What are you doing?"
"Oh, I am quite high up in an advertising
company. We make adverts for TV" Bob says, "I tell you what, since we were friends at school I'll make
you an advert for free" Jim protests and says he couldn't possibly ask him to do that but eventually
agrees to it.br>A few days later Bob phones him up to say that his advert will be on in between Coronation
Street. Jim gets a few beers in and sits down and waits for his advert. The advert is simply a picture
of Jesus nailed to a cross with the caption 'USE JIM'S NAILS' written in large letters underneath.
a good catholic, Jim is outraged. He phones Bob up and asks him what the hell he thinks he is doing.
Bob apologises profusely and after much persuasion Jim agrees to let Bob do another advert for him to
make it up to him. Another few days later Jim receives a phone call telling him that the new advert will
be on in between The Bill. Again, Jim sits down with a few beers and a couple of friends and waits.
new adverts comes on... Jesus is running through the desert with sweat pouring off his brow - he is obviously
running for his life. The camera pans out to reveal two Roman Guards about 100 yards behind Jesus chasing
after him. The camera zooms in on the guards just as one says to the other, "I told you we should have
used Jim's Nails"
Q. Where would you find a duck with no legs
A.Where you left it.
A bloke was walking past this shop one time when he saw on the window, "Any
sandwich filling you want or $100".
He thought that was interesting and so he went into the shop
and asked if anyone ever won the money.
The man behind the counter said "Yeah yesterday a guy came
in and wanted elephant's balls on toast, but we had ran out of bread."
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital
for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated
on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?"
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One
day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The
son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop
is your father.".