====================================================== | Paul Morrison's Page of Collected Internet Quotes | ====================================================== | The latest version can always be found at: | | http://users.iafrica.com/p/pf/pfm/quotes.txt | ====================================================== Welcome to my collection of humorous quotes harvested from the Internet. This used to contain both serious and funny quotes, but I have recently split the two files. The serious quotes can be found at: http://users.iafrica.com/p/pf/pfm/squotes.txt Feedback can be sent to paulmorrison@gmail.com Some quotes are actually a sequence of posts and replies from newsgroups, in this situation the hierarchy of the posts is indicated by the default '>' character, and combinations thereof. Please remember that I have copied the quotes exactly. The spelling mistakes contained below are the original words used. Its knot me hew is a badd spelur. The newest quotes appear at the top of this page. Last updated 30 April 2008 ======================================================================= "Britney Spears and Mel Gibson had dinner together Saturday evening. And yet, somehow, during this meeting of the minds cancer wasn't cured. Stunning." - thesuperficial.com "I have even read that not sleeping can cause you to gain weight, especially if you get out of bed in the middle of the night to eat a chocolate pie." - W. Bruce Cameron > Word. Surely you mean "OpenOffice Writer", my home-dawg? - Thetorpedodog "Well I have indisputable proof that healthy living is bad for you. I've been out carousing and behaving like a cock for the last four months and avoided all the many diseases and lurgies that have struck down almost everyone I know. Then I have a week of eating fruit, going to the gym and avoiding booze and bang - I have a minor illness. Fruit and herbal tea are bad for you. QED." - Richard Herring, warping the scientific method "When Russia launched Sputnik 50 years ago, it was nothing more than a small radio, but the beeps it transmitted, when translated, told the listening world: “This is Russia and we’d like you all to know that our German scientists are a hell of a lot better than America’s German scientists.” Or, in English: “You’re going home in a f***ing ambulance.”" - Jeremy Clarkson "I had the day off today. Which in truth means I did pretty much what I do when I am meant to be working, except I don't feel guilty at the end of the day when I have got nothing done." - Richard Herring "I think the implication is that Facebook users are innocent and virginal, while Myspace users are murderous sluts. And, as someone with a Myspace profile, I have to concur." - Dersins "I've always said I would not never want to live in the US. However, yesterday evening I saw a documentary on TV which made me want to move to Connecticut with Wife & Kids. More precisely, to some quiet peaceful town by the name of er.. what's it called again... ah yes: Stepford." - Jeroen van Baardwijk "Oddly, though, in the morning scene in the Inn in the Stardust film, Charlie Cox is wearing a CGI shirt, because there were concerns that his naked torso could bring down America." - Neil Gaiman "When the junk shop owner names a price and you immediately smile broadly and say “Sold!”, they know they’ve screwed up." - Daniel Rutter "you know what they say, "Small hands, small..." Forget what they say! They are idiots." - Richard Herring, on his hand size "Is anyone impressed that as well as talking rubbish all day on here, I'm also spouting rubbish over MSN AND Facebook at the moment? I am THAT good..." - Sam Lyon, BBC Sports online cricket commentator "As I have learned from commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs, "Priapism" is a medical condition defined by having a painful erection for more than 4 hours. Apparently, I had priapism from age 11 to 17." - Sneeze "How can two mathematicians come to a different conclusion? Well, one of them is a dick!" - Perry DeAngelis "Okay, seriously: what is it with boys and our desires for laser beams and killer robots? I'm thirty-freakin-five and if you gave me a treehouse with a robot right now, I would move out of the fort I built in the living room faster than you can say No Girls Allowed" - Wil Wheaton "I'd forgotten what Support Desk work was like. It's as if I've come home to stupidity. Would you ring your employers' helpdesk to complain that the system won't allow you to access Facebook?" - Olivia Nelis "Let's see, now...in Hogfather there are a number of stabbings, someone's killed by a man made of knives, someone's killed by the dark, and someone just been killed by a wardrobe. It's a book about the magic of childhood. You can tell." - Terry Pratchett, during the writing of _Hogfather_ "The only annoying thing about your quotes file is that I'm not in it." - Jeroen van Baardwijk, trying some reverse psychology "If you really do want a work tool, buy a van. The only reason for buying a pick-up is because you want to look American. But there’s an easier way of doing that. Eat lots of chocolate and lose your atlas." - Jeremy Clarkson "People keep wanting Japan to apologize for all the atrocities they've committed, but honestly, I don't think Pokemon was all that bad." - Azrael "Dude, I live in Texas (for now). I'm lucky that there were furniture stores that weren't "JESUS FURNITURE BUT THE GOD KIND NOT THE MEXICAN KIND WE'RE ALL WHITE HERE" where they don't sell bookcases because you only need the Bible and you should carry that with you." - Jim Battista "I am slowly mastering this American stuff. Though it is tempting sometimes just to talk loudly and slowly in English until they understand me." - Steven Gross "Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!" - Bill Maher "I suspect goblins." - Daniel Rutter, his logical explanation for a computer issue "It's time to get my zombie kitty back from ghost bigfoot." - Jeffrey Rowland, from his Overcompensating webcomic, which is a little odd sometimes "Guns don't kill people, Americans kill people." - Richard Herring "I think that making me a knight would be extremely silly, and would therefore embrace the idea in true Chestertonian fashion by taking it seriously. I would buy a suit of armour (and stand vigil over it, but since praying in a chapel is not my scene, maybe the Humanists would let me sit in their lobby and read Darwin. Maidens, dragons... oh, the possibilities are endless." - Terry Pratchett, on the possibility of him being knighted "I do feel that evolution is being controlled by some sort of divine engineer. I can't help thinking that. And this engineer knows exactly what he or she is doing and why, and where evolution is headed. That's why we've got giraffes and hippopotami and the clap." - Kurt Vonnegut "Isn't an Imperial shed load spelled shedde lowde, thus distinguishing it from the modern day metric shed load?" - Jamie Perry "Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end." - Stephen Hawking "Having worked as a dishwasher and a busboy for many years, I have been a part of the machinery that produces meals. You don't want to know what goes on in those recesses - what fluids seep and flow. You really, really don't. Things... happen, back there." - Tycho "Other than the war in Iraq, the Katrina disaster, the deficit, the CIA leak, torture, stopping stem cell research, homeland security, global warming and undercutting science, we've yet to really feel the negative effects of the Bush administration." - Bill Maher "... there is nothing you can say to a real conservative to convince him abortion should ever be acceptable other than, "Your daughter is pregnant and the father is black."" - Bill Maher "When I go, I'd figured the best plan would be to donate my body to science, or to be cremated…but now I'm thinking it would be really cool if crazed folk dug my body up, chopped it to bits, put a stake through it, and maybe paraded the head around town on a pike. I wonder if there is a funeral plan for that?" - P.Z. Myers "Madonna getting upset with her daughter for dressing too slutty is like Mr. T getting upset with his son for pitying too many fools." - thesuperficial.com "I once got in trouble in an assertiveness training session at my old job for telling the session leader to fuck off. I also once led my entire team in a walkout of a team-building exercise... And a friend of mine (in the same job) wound up a trainer so much that he punched him -- in a conflict resolution course. All money well spent." - Andrew Cunningham "As a non-believer, I can tell you that the only reason I don't kill people is the difficulty in disposing the bodies. First you have to clean up the blood. Then you have to drag the victim to a carpet and roll him up. Then you have to drag it to the car late at night. Then you have to drive the body and the carpet to the mountains and bury it. Then you have to buy a new carpet. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. And that assumes you already HAVE a shovel." - Scott Adams, on why atheists are under-represented in prisons worldwide "Long story short: never shush a woman in labour because Picard is about to say something profound." - Veedubya "I have a headache the size of Antarctica behind my right eye and this morning I woke up and tried to drink a scented candle." - Olivia Nelis "If you're not comfortable hitting a delicate piece of equipment to fix it then you'll never repair anything right." - Martin McGrane "Apples are evil. You know who else liked apples? Hitler." - Amanda Lowery "The problem with all his logic and evidence and rationality is that he just doesn't understand how good nonsense feels. Anyway, Bertrand Russell did it first." - Davis Sweet, summarising many reviews of Richard Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" "My favorite has been the people bitching at me before they even know where I'm going with this. Some fucktard actually emailed me to complain that Marten and Ellen's argument was "the most implausible thing I've done yet." YOU KNOW ASIDE FROM THE ROBOTS" - Jeph Jacques, on reader response to plot developments in his webcomic Questionable Content "Why do typos become immediately apparent only after you post?" - Another Kevin "Rich: "I hate computers." OtherPerson: "Then why do you work with them?" Rich: "I hate people more!"" - Richard Baker, on his choice of profession "Saying that you're going to make the web a place for comics is like suggesting that you plan to colonize the Earth. If they want to break down the walls that keep artists from publishing online, well, I hope they brought a wall with them, because we don't really have anything like that here. I suppose we could special order." - Tycho, responding to Scott Rosenberg in 2006 "I once was in a mall where the booth selling Lord of the Rings replica swords was set up across from the booth selling fucsia atheletic suits with the words "Pimp Juice" emblazoned on them in gigantic letters. For a few seconds, I considered becoming the world's dorkiest superhero..." - Coldcut "Success is the happy feeling you get between the time you do something and the time you tell a woman what you did." - Scott Adams, from Dilbert "A tin-foil hat is a mark of someone who can, in all seriousness, say 'if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it must be a concealed listening device placed by the government under the instruction of the military-industrial complex and funded by the media industry.'" - Unknown "Personally, I think something shouldn't be categorised as a "prohibited weapon" if it's less useful in a fight than a ballpoint pen, but maybe that's just me." - Daniel Rutter, on certain power laser-pointers being illegal in New South Wales, Australia "Holst was always a few planets short of a solar system. He couldn't be bothered to write a "Pluto" in 1930, so don't expect a "2003 UB-313" now." - Wolfgang Preiß "I can email from my mobile! However, it has taken me ten minutes to type this." - Olivia Nelis "Sorry to be a source of misinformation. I hate lies, and love truth! Honest! That has been my policy since 1672, when I was apprenticed to a sorcerer in Prussia." - Tycho "Would it be anti-Semitic to say what I really think about kosher wine?" - Steve H. "As Stephen Hawking always tells me, don't be a namedropper." - Siamang "The "Ohnosecond" has been suggested for that moment of realisation that comes from firing off a recursive file-delete in the utterly wrong directory --- though I'd rather like to suggest the Sphinctosecond" to reflect that brief arse-tightening sensation which inevitably accompanies the realisation that Things Have Just Become Not What They Should Be And It's Your Fault." - Tanuki "I still want a phone with caller-IQ." - Tanuki "My problems start when the smarter bears and the dumber visitors intersect." - Steve Thompson, wildlife biologist at Yosemite National Park "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." - Flannery O'Connor "If Alan Turing was alive today, the homosexuality would be OK but he'd be in trouble for codebreaking." - Martin Bacon "My standard response to statements like "We _must_ implement multi-processor object-oriented Java-based client-server technologies immediately!" was "You know, FORTRAN and slide rules put men on the moon and got them back safely multiple times."" - Matt Roberds "Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that's not why we're doing it." - Richard P. Feynman "Some days violence is just a nice quick solution to a problem that would need thought, planning and actual work to do justice to." - Wayne Pascoe "I once had someone cast a detailed horoscope for me and send it along - apparently, I am one of the most evil baby-raping SOBs on the planet, and the only thing preventing me from oppressing and enslaving and destroying everyone is an excess of sloth and stupidity. These kooks - they say the obvious and pretend it is insight." - P.Z. Myers "Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion." - Jon Stewart "October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February." - Mark Twain "You’re in deep shit when I’m the voice of reason." - Patrick Hughes "Violence is the last resort of the incompetent. The competent, of course, make it their *first* resort." - Unknown "I'm just waiting for the day that someone decides that "ignorant moron" is an ethnic group, and thus cannot be discriminated against." - Christian Wagner "It's distinctly sub-optimal having a 70MPH pigeon explode all over the inside of your vehicle." - Tanuki > If you take a 10 cubic kilometer asteroid, hollow it out and create > a habitat inside... then accelerate it to 98% (ok, let's say 10% > then) of light speed... how much would burn up in an earth sized > atmosphere before it hits London? That depends on what kind of movie it is. - Josh Brandt "The phrase "Login to www.clue.org and issue the GET command" springs to mind." - Tanuki "You don't change the way people think by changing what they say. You change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!" - Alastair Young "The little pad of semi-sticky paper is the single largest security breach in the entire computer industry, bar none." - Unknown "My group's mission statement - 'You want *what* ? By *WHEN* ?'" - Simon Burr "I work for an investment bank. I have dealt with code written by stock exchanges. I have seen how the computer systems that store your money are run. If I ever make a fortune, I will store it in gold bullion under my bed." - Matthew Crosby "In many ways, the current American presidency and XML have much in common. Both have clear lineages back to very intelligent people. Both demonstrate what happens when you give retards the tools of the intelligent." - Erik Naggum "I LOVE CATS. ESPECIALLY ON TOAST." - Xompitor, evil Culture List computer "Never ever attempt to make sense of a physics discussion when you have a) no knowledge of physics and b) most of a bottle of merlot sloshing around your bloodstream." - Olivia Nelis "Sedentary animals make poor weaponry." - Charlie Bell, imparting great wisdom "I'm going to keep right the hell on being absolutely goddam agreeable and there's not a single fucking thing you can do to stop it, you miserable shit." - Jim Battista, being offensively amiable "To be honest I always get a bit worried with live radio, like I might not be able to contain the urge to shout “Big Dog’s Cock” out loud to the nation, or something. If it helps to make an otherwise sober discussion more lively in your imagination, you can imagine me trying to suppress that urge as we engage with the issues." - Ben Goldacre "I was going to be a neo-deconstructivist but mom wouldn't let me." - Bill Watterson, said by Calvin "Last night I went to the pub, where I was bitterly defeated in an argument over the existence of battle camels." - Olivia Nelis "No-one ever tells you about the chief hazard of marching in a protest which is stepping in horseshit on the route back." - Olivia Nelis "It worried me that my most substantial and knowledgeable posts are on drinking and making cheese on toast. Can't I be one of the physicists for a while?" - Olivia Nelis, on her contributions to the Culture mailing list "Well, I don't know what kind of girlish and weak snowfalls you get in Norway, but here in manly Finland I can tell you that our weeds don't grow during winter." - Fionna O'Sullivan "A former boyfriend of mine used to put my bra on his head and pretend to be an air traffic controller." - Olivia Nelis "Explosives and peanut butter are always a good combination." - Jim Battista "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." - Albert Einstein "Is it legal for a resident of Texas to use the word 'noodge'?" - Gretchen Wright "I would not have made a typobgaphical error." - Jim Battista "And remember, kids: Data you haven't backed up is data you do not want" - Daniel Rutter "Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later." - Patrick Hughes "You might not be able to remember it, but if you wake up the next day with a bloody nose, no money, barf all over your jeans and a finger or two smelling like poontang then you had a good night." - Patrick Hughes "If you accidentally rear-end another car while driving, Florida law dictates that you must stop and confer with the affected party. Turns out just waving to let folks know you’re alright while driving away is a little something the state troopers like to call “leaving the scene of an accident.”" - Patrick Hughes, speaking from personal experience "Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass." - Patrick Hughes, giving important advice "Just because one of those made you feel nice and two of ‘em made you feel even better, taking the whole bottle will not exponentially increase your good time. In fact, you may get dizzy, or throw up, or end up spending half of the next day wondering where the hell your pants are. Or die." - Patrick Hughes "You should never put a string of lit Black Cat firecrackers in someone’s back pocket while they’re on stage playing bass guitar with their band. Even if they fucked your knee up by reversing the figure-four on you that one time. And even if you crack up at just the idea of someone with their pants are on fire jumping up and down and spinning around and around like a dog chasing its tail while trying to figure out what’s going on. Yup, someone could get their ass burned, so it’s wrong. Despite the fact that shit is really, really funny." - Patrick Hughes "Beat off enough and eventually someone will walk in on you while you’re doing it. When this happens, pause, look them directly in the eye and say, “You done ruined the romance, so go ahead and say whatever it is you want to say.” If they don’t immediately apologize and leave, run over there and put your hands on their face." - Patrick Hughes "Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves." - Patrick Hughes "If you suspect someone likes to do a lot of cocaine, don’t let them “borrow” your CDs." - Patrick Hughes, speaking from personal experience "Wear the condom. No, for the love of Pete, not the mint-flavored one. Jesus, that thing burns." - Patrick Hughes, giving good advice "Be careful of what you headbutt. Some doors are not as sturdy as they might first look, and it can be hard to estimate your own strength immediately after inhaling nitrous oxide." - Patrick Hughes, giving good advice "Should you ever decide to use bamboo sticks and stretchy, decorative string that’s designed to wrap presents to make a bow and arrow, and should you decide to wad up a bunch of duct tape on the end of your arrow and soak it with WD-40 so it’ll, you know, burn better, I would recommend not shooting the flaming arrow onto the roof of a house, or into the lap of your friend’s cousin. Even by accident." - Patrick Hughes, speaking from personal experience "Don’t use one of those little Handi-Vac things to empty an ashtray. Because the inrush of air could potentially reignite any fading embers. And, uh, a big jet of flame might shoot out of the thing, surprising you and making you scream like a ten-year-old girl. And you might knock over your beer." - Patrick Hughes "If, while chugging a beer, the phrase, “I bet this is going to be the last coherent thought I have tonight,” runs through your head, get someone to take you home. Now." - Patrick Hughes "I grew up with an impatience with the anti-scientific. So I'm a bit miffed with our current love affair with all things Eastern. If I sneeze on the set, 40 people hand me echinacea. But I'd no sooner take that than eat a pencil. Maybe that's why I took up boxing. It's my response to men in white pajamas feeling each other's chi." - Hugh Laurie "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question, yes is the answer." - Unknown "Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down." - Unknown "I haven't failed. I've found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Benjamin Franklin "If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, there's going to be one big-ass fight over where to set the thermostat." - Jim Rosenberg "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H.G. Wells "A computer programmer is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell", sees the "Go to", rather than the destination, as harmful." - Unknown "We're the technical experts. We were hired so that management could ignore our recommendations and tell us how to do our jobs." - Mike Andrews "Just imagine we are meeting the aliens for the first time. Most people would just shoot them to see how many points they are worth." - Simon Cozens "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give him a freshly-charged Electric Eel and chances are he won't bother you for anything ever again" - Tanuki "The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to be insane in such a useful way that they can't commit you." - Mark Edwards "....most SF writers are small blokes; they spent a lot of time grubbing around on the floor for old SF mags, not stretching up to the top shelf for pornography...As an aside, Douglas Adams is quite tall." - Terry Pratchett "When you get to be a certain age, everything that is cool seems to be a lot of nonsensical, idiotic jibberish. The music that blares from the pimp rides makes no sense; it all sounds like a man with severe autism halfheartedly explaining human sexuality to a parrot, while in the background a dangerously unqualified Caribbean contractor rhythmically installs an automatic garage door opener. Bollocks." - Jeffrey Rowland > I guess it depends if the universe ends up being open or closed. Either way, I wish they'd hurry up and release the API. - Josh Brandt, showing extreme geekyness "Not that length and weight alone indicate excellence; many epic tales are pretty much epic crap — just ask my critics, who will moan about entire Canadian forests massacred in order to print my drivel." - Stephen King, from _On Writing_ "I've heard people say that, if men had to give birth, there'd be no babies. Well, if women knew the hallucinogenic, soul-chilling, pain of even a relatively light groin strike they would spend their lives hiding alone in a padded cellar." - Mil Millington "Roses are red, Violets are purple, Which is a very hard word to rhyme And makes me happy that on February the 14th we don't traditionally have to give each other oranges." - Neil Gaiman, possibly not originally by him > How about the idiots who, for example, think Bush is comparable to > Hitler? Of course he's "comparable" to Hitler: It is possible to compare Bush to Hitler: Bush is immensely less charismatic, competent or intelligent than Hitler. Brought to you by the British campaign to eliminate idiotic American misuse of the word "comparable". - Unknown "As I said to the little boy who was staring at me as I carried six Super Soakers to the Toys R Us checkout: It's good to be a grown-up." - Daniel Rutter "Yes, I sometimes end sentences with prepositions. It's one of the vast number of ways in which I am irresistibly roguish." - Mil Millington "[The Fantastic Four] literally has nothing even remotely redeeming about it; not as a movie, not as a comic book movie, not as a shiny disc to cut people with. This movie is a failure on a cellular level; my bones still ache from watching it. It is a cataclysmic embarrassment for everyone involved, and should only be shown to violent inmates who seem to exhibit any remote glimmer of hope or optimism about our race. It is a chillingly irrefutable document of the nonexistence of God. Naturally, I loved it." - Skot "There's something deeply wrong with every single person on earth. That's what makes people great!" - Jeffrey Rowland "The lordship of a manor confers no title. Oh, you could call yourself a lord, but everyone else would call you a prick." - Terry Pratchett "Clearly designed in the days of psychedelia and proto-disco -- if ABBA had a bomber, it would be the Vulcan." - Jim Battista "Tell your email application that, if it labels my highly important missives as *** SPAM *** again, I'll fucking murder it. Love, the CDR" - The CDR "My superpower is an uncanny ability to drive right to the absolutely best available parking space. Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to figure out how to use this power to fight crime." - Robert Woodhead "The Harry Potter books are good yarns, ain't no doubt. But Pratchett — though he may not be a billionaire like fellow Britisher Rowling, richer than the Queen — writes yarns so good you could knit bulletproof socks out of them." - Hank Fox "Here is a movie with the nerve to discuss a computer brain "like a quantum sponge" while violating Newton's Laws of Motion." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Stealth_ "How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" - Woody Allen "If there was a god, I'd still have both nuts." - Lance Armstrong "Actually, i have it on good authority that there exists a stairway that apparently extends to heaven. I also hear that an unnamed woman is attempting to purchase it, but her reasons are unknown." - General Zod "Hey ... you sound like you know what you're talking about. No fair." - CaptainAvatar, replying to an informative post on Slashdot "One of my goals in life is to someday be in a position where I can yell "Enough stalling! KILL THEM!" and no one laughs. Well, that, or "Guards! SEIZE THEM!" I'm not picky." - Ursula Vernon "I once went 13 YEARS without drinking. Then I hit high school and it was all kinda downhill from there." - Modern Drunkard Magazine, Staff Member "Whoever said that the human body is a beautiful thing has clearly never spent an afternoon by the swimming pool at the Merton Hotel in Jersey." - Richard Herring "Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious." - Modern Drunkard Magazine "If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours." - Modern Drunkard Magazine "Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it." - Modern Drunkard Magazine "Notice how all these groovy avant-garde blogariffic types assume everyone buys into their weird Apple Computer cult? Yeah, sweet, dude. Your monitor looks like an egg. Guess what? I can right-click stuff." - Patrick Hughes "As the old saying goes, if at first you don't succeed find a shinier toy." - Martin McGrane "I really think they should reinstate the shortest book in the NT, namely "The Corinthians Reply to St Paul". It goes like this: 1 Dear Saul of Tarsus 2 Please remove us from your mailing list. Love 3 The Corinthians" - Chris Brown "I'm getting tired of ... all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all time about 'Children'. It's all you hear in this country. "Children ... Help the Children ... What about the Children? ... Save the Children". You know what I say?... Fuck the children!" - George Carlin "This all happened in the middle of Oprah, so I hardly noticed." - Rob Cockerham, describing the beginning of his wife's labour "If God does exist I suspect that I am going to Hell." - Richard Herring "Let us look to the example of "Thundarr the Barbarian." The episodes I saw as a child were quite simply the greatest artistic achievements the human race has ever produced. When I watch the show now, though, it's crap. What obviously happened is, some shadowy group has stolen every one of the original tapes and substituted crappy ones, so what we see now is not what I saw as a child. I have no hard evidence to prove my claim, but obviously that just proves the shadowy group is incredibly competent and would have no problem accomplishing their goals. Why they do it is a mystery, but the fact that they have done it is a given. After all, what other explanation makes sense?" - Peter Meilinger "Why is there no CSI:Kentucky? Because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same." - Elf M. Sternberg "Arguing on the internet is like being in the special olympics, even if you win you're still retarded." - Unknown > What Would Jesus Drive? Escalade with 5000.00 rims, and he'd pulling a cigarette boat because that walking on water stuff isn't as fun as 75knots/hour with a hugeass rooster tail, and having chicks all over you in the marina so you can be the envy of all the apostles. - Kenji "my strip is moebius my bottle, klein so I am my very own valentine!" - Unknown "A company is selling liquid with a unique identifier. The idea is for me to paint this stuff on my valuables as proof of ownership. I think a better idea would be for me to paint it on *your* valuables, and then call the police." - Bruce Schneier, pointing out a small flaw "Forget what I said about sake. Fuck sake. I don't remember a whole lot about that night, but I do recall being lost and puking in a bad part of town and not finding my way home until around 5:00AM. That stuff can really sneak up on you. They oughtta call it 'Ninja Juice.'" - Matt Milby > A friend from grad school fell and broke his hip; he was laid up for a > while but now he's a member of the US House of Representatives. Goodness, poor fellow. Could he perhaps sue his doctor for malpractice? - Josh Brandt "Another cliché which the trailer employs is the “setting off explosions in the background as you casually walk away” trick scene. Have any of these guys heard of shrapnel? Just once I would like to see the hero get knocked on his ass in one of these scenes. Now that would be funny." - Brian Briggs, reviewing the trailer for _The Punisher_ >> A happy, healthy and prosperous New year to all. May all your dreams >> come true except for the nightmares. > But I don't _want_ to dress like a carrot and then suddenly find > myself flying above Mexico City. It won't be a nightmare unless your wings fall off, or they divert you to Poughkeepsie, where the landing strip is too short for carrots. - Robin Bignall "I said as much to Peter Jackson when I was in Auckland last month. I explained what a valuable property DW could be, the scope of the series, my willingness to accept a smallish advance from the right producer/director... ...and then his butler opened the door and told me to stop shouting through the letter box." - Terry Pratchett, on making movies of his Discworld series > Even something as simple as strapping a branch to a rock to make an > axe or club had to be invented by someone. Humans have the advantage > that it only has to be invented *once* and can be passed on to the > rest of the "tribe". Good job humans didn't arise in North America. The rest of the tribe would have been done for patent infringement. - Chris Brown "Oh shit. A bullseye." - Terry Pratchett, on reading someone's prediction for an upcoming plotline > With all those quid pro quos out of the way... If you don't know Latin, it's probably best not to carpe diem your words like that. - Wrexen "I should read a potboiler like The Da Vinci Code every once in a while, just to remind myself that life is too short to read books like The Da Vinci Code." - Roger Ebert "I might write a letter to Ken Starr saying how George touched me in my special place." - Steven Gross, plotting on ways to remove George W. Bush from office > Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by > stupidity. Personally, I'd rather be undone by a grand, nefarious Evil Plot than by banal bumbling stupidity..... - Ritu Ko "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to training my boogers to do data entry." - Jim Battista, quoted delightfully out of context "I have a full-time job. I own a house. I am married to a lovely, intelligent woman. I have two children. No matter how you look at it, I am a full-fledged adult. And the other day... despite all of these factors... I gave myself a belly-ache eating too many jelly beans. A BELLY-ACHE EATING TOO MANY JELLYBEANS?!! JESUS!" - Sneeze "if gw bush is a cowboy from texas then i'm a weight-lifter from siberia." - Moby "We have nothing to fear but fear itself - and monsters." - Richard Herring "No one with a feeling for literature and poetry can read the typical best-selling business or self-help book with a straight face, because their six rules or nine plans or 12 formulas are so manifestly idiotic, and couched in prose of such insulting simplicity. If I were a boss, I would fire any employer reading such a book, on the grounds that he was not smart enough to be working for me. If I were the employee of a company that hired one of those motivational gurus, I would quit on the grounds that management had been taken over by pod people." - Roger Ebert "It's not that I've anything against Unix, mind. It's just that life's too short." - Kat Feete "What's my point? I don't know. I'm making this stuff up as I go along." - Richard Herring > Gaiman is on quite a streak at the moment -- three wins in three > successive years! -- but at the time he had never won one. > (Who can forget "Fuck! I won a Hugo Award!"?) Best reply overhead in fandom afterward: Let's hope this man never wins a Philip K. Dick Award. - Louann Miller "... dating is like defusing bombs. You can't expect it to work every time. Just collect the bits and move on." - James Nicoll ""Zatoichi" is one of the weirdest films I've ever seen. It's like a Samurai movie done by Bollywood, where everyone was taking powerful hallucinogens." - Amanda Lowery ""Dick Size War." Usually a male thing. In this case, it was lots of "Grar, I have scars and was at [famous battle that went wrong!]" "Oh yeah? Well, if you've ever put your hand down in a bunch of goo that was your buddy's face..." "Yeah, well, I did THAT, and then I had to WALK for FOUR HUNDRED MILES to get a bandaid, while holding my guts in!" and so on and so forth." - Josh Brandt, explaining the acronym DSW "You would think that, just once, the people who run the Olympics would want to have a visually appealing mascot -- Halle Berry springs to mind -- but they never do. One of these years, they're going to abandon all pretense and produce an official Olympic mascot called ``Dorko.''" - Dave Barry "Having to wait is YOUR punishment for throwing all our tea in the harbor." - Terry Pratchett, on why his books are released later in the US compared to the UK "They gave me some sugar-free raspberry Jell-O, and let me tell you - your ass goes a solid 24 without food and that goddamn sugar-free raspberry Jell-O is like having Osama Bin Flavor crash a plane full of celebration into your mouth." - Patrick Hughes "Just in case any hippies end up here by accident, I’d like to say a few things about your sham alternative-medicine hokum: Herbs don’t cure shit. Herbs go in quiche, yes. They are not medicine. Sure, cavemen used herbs to try and cure shit, but that was before we had science and stuff. Your commie, repellant herbs and garnishes might’ve been in common medicinal use for 2000 years or whatever, but the average lifespan for people living during those 2000 years was, like, 15." - Patrick Hughes "Dry, cracked and bleeding skin is no good on your ding-dong either. You can quote me on that: no good. Not only does having a flaky, crimson rash on your weiner put a crimp in the ol’ social life, but experiencing this problem can also make it difficult to hit your regular masturbation quota. And if your goal is, like mine, to run off a batch by hand anywhere from four to 73 times a day, well… Don’t get thrifty on the lube, my friend. Turns out they don’t make ding-dong-shaped bandages, and that’s all I’m going to say about that." - Patrick Hughes, describing the downsides of psoriasis > We must all abandon the cognitive traps of "Existence, non-existence, > both existence and non-existence, and neither existence nor > non-existence" and directly perceive the unbounded luminosity of > Pure Mind at its source. Er .. you first. - Paul Walker "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - George W. Bush "Having hit museums in Sydney, do you want to do same in Melbourne? And just to clarify, that's hit in the sense of 'go visit,' rather than rob with sawn-offs." - Claire Bickell "The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." - James Nicoll "It seems that I am consolidating my position as king of the nerds. Which is OK. I quite like nerds. As long as they do what they do in the privacy of their own home. Which of course they all do. That's one of their defining qualities." - Richard Herring "The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Catwoman_ > What about Uranus's axial tilt? How do you get a planet in > that orientation without an impact? It got really, really drunk and all the other planets were too embarrassed to help it right itself, especially after it spewed the Kuiper belt all over the place. - Keith Morrison "If you think about it, a collection that includes a fruit fly and Richard Dawkins and the Great Barrier Reef is an awkward set of objects to try and compare." - Douglas Adams, discussing how hard it is to define life "You want crazy? Huh? Huh? There's only two of you left now! You think you're after ME? I'm coming to LOOK for you! You can lurch but you can't hide! HeeerrrrreeessssTerry!!!!!" - Terry Pratchett, getting excited about playing Thief 3 "I have fulfilled another of my lifelong ambitions: I have run through the streets of a Spanish town wearing nothing but a pair of back to front women's pants. I have always wanted to do that. And now I have done it. It feels good." - Richard Herring "However, if it is all pitchforks in the arse, beds of nails and whippings with nettles, do you think masochists have a separate hell where they are forced to lie on comfortable matresses covered in rose petals etc?" - Rik Burke, pondering the nature of hell > So what about the various bits in the bible where god essentially > kicks some poor person's ass and says the equivalent of "believe in > me or ELSE, you fucker!" So it's finally confirmed. Mr T *is* God. - Paul Walker "Why is blind faith so danged important? Why doesn't God pop over now and then and do burnouts in his Chariot over the Middle East or something. Would work a lot better then "All will be revealed"" - Andrew Paul, pondering religion "If there was a Jesus I would like to think of him as being a happy, forgiving kind of fella, who doesn’t judge and occasionally does a magic trick to cheer his mates up." - Richard Herring "Here is a film so dreary and conventional that it took an act of the will to keep me in the theater. Who was it made for? Who will it play to? Is there really still a market for fart jokes?" - Roger Ebert, reviewing _White Chicks_ > u have been missing alot At least I'm not missing my "y" and "o" keys. - Elmegil "Most presidential memoirs are dull and self-serving. I hope mine are interesting and self-serving." - Bill Clinton "can god microwave a burrito so hot even he couldn't eat it?" - Laura Sharp, pondering the really *important* questions "People have been levitating chunks of diamagnetic superconductor for years: that's a bit easier, what with superconductors (unlike me) being specifically designed to let electrons roam around in them unhindered. But I don't want to fly like Superman through liquid nitrogen; I want to do it where it's safe to wear my Y-fronts over my corduroy trousers." - Ben Goldacre > >There's always room for one more creationist cretin. > Where do you put the hybrids, the ones who think that evolution was > the method that God used to create man? This is the theory that God's method for creating man was to start out with no plan at all, trying things at random, and keeping the things that worked and throwing out the things that didn't work without understanding why? I *knew* God was a programmer. - Michael Ash "Yes, the US decided that to punish the French they would call french fries freedom fries. In retaliation the French decided they would call American cheese American cheese." - George Harris "I’ve never been one for regrets — all too often I’m generating indignities so fast that I don’t really have much time to stop and reflect on all the dumb shit I’ve done" - Patrick Hughes "Growing up sucks." - Graeme Essen "Michael did his usual routine of slamming on the brakes to "warm them up", or if you prefer, to put the wind up the guy following him and make them follow less closely (in this case, Montoya). But he made a complete mess of it, locked up, and Montoya ran up his back end. He who lives by the silly slow-lap antic, dies by the silly slow-lap antic..." - Andrew Cunningham, on Michael Schumacher's exit from the 2004 Monaco Grand Prix "I have also been enjoying the abiolity to upload pictures into the camera... "Here's the beach, here's the bike under the Forth Bridge, here's a picture of the space shuttle launching..."" - Andrew Cunningham, happy about his new digital camera "Indian politics entails more danger, excitement and absurdities than any Bollywood plot. Honestly." - Ritu Ko "Other men my age have wives and families and I am still going through the phase where I am single and childless and want to kill the Loch Ness monster. It made me feel a bit silly." - Richard Herring "In [Deus Ex] the ideal combo for me was high proficiency with the sniper rifle, ditto with the nanotech sword, and our old friend the rocket launcher for those moments when you don't know what to say." - Terry Pratchett "So I applied for a job with the Marijuana Policy Project as a membership coordinator - which basically monitors their spam... er, email distribution list. And now I have a writing assignment to finish for the next phase of the process. Unfortunately, I find myself too... uhm, impaired to work out the assignment right this minute." - Unknown "The advance buzz on "The Alamo" was negative, and now I know why: This is a good movie." - Roger Ebert "As a committed atheist it is my belief that when we die, that's the end of it. I certainly hope that's the case, because existing for the rest of infinite time would be too much for me. I can think of nothing worse. Especially as I will no longer have my body, because nearly everything I do that is any kind of fun is physical rather than mental. And most of my mental activity involves imagining the fun I could have with my body if only the opportunities were there. Just being a floating spirit thing with no mouth, stomach or genitals would be rubbish. I'd much rather be a floating mouth, stomach and genitals with no brain. And apart from the floating part that's pretty much what I am. " - Richard Herring "I use an unadorned IE on a dodgy knocked together PC, click drunkenly and hang on tight for the ride." - Andrew Paul, contributing to a discussion on the evils of IE "I've always liked the idea of a special Hugo to be awarded (by force, perhaps) to literary authors who write books dripping with themes filleted from mainstream SF and then deny that it's science fiction 'because it's not about robots and spaceships'." - Terry Pratchett "I'm pleased to report that today, March 24, I finally took our Christmas tree down. It was time." - Chuck Atkins "There should be only two lines are the airport desks: 'Has Got a Clue' and 'Thick as Two Planks'." - Terry Pratchett "SF (and it is usually bad SF, considered purely as SF) written by an acknowledged 'literary' author is automatically filleted from the dreaded genre, usually with a comment as stupid as 'it's not sf because it doesn't have robots in it'." - Terry Pratchett, on the snobbery of critics' attitude towards Science Fiction books "A lot of the authors of 'comedic' sf published in the mid-90s were saddled -- by their publishers -- with being The Next Terry Pratchett. That is a dreadful thing to do to an author." - Terry Pratchett >> It's possible to train yourself to write in any position. > I'm not absolutely convinced that hanging upside down in the > wardrobe will work, but you never know... It's come close to that on *really* turbulent flights:-) - Terry Pratchett "Elvis is only dead at the speed of light. Out by Vega, he died only a year ago. Travel only a light year further along a convenient wormhole and he's still alive. Admittedly, he's also a long way away. Thank you very much." - Terry Pratchett "Look at this trailer for a movie called Casshern. I have no idea what's going on, I think it's from Japan. It's startling how often those two things go together." - Tycho "Atkins here I come! Actually, bollocks to that, I'm just putting my faith in a few bouts of ameobic dysentry when I travel." - Rik Burke, planning on losing weight "As Hollywood works its way through retreads of TV series from the 1960s and '70s, I find I can approach each project with a certain purity, since I never saw any of the original shows. Never saw a single "Starsky and Hutch." Not one episode of "I Spy." No "Mod Squad." No "Charlie's Angels." What was I doing instead, apart from seeing thousands of movies? Avoiding episodic television like a communicable disease and improving myself with the great literature of the ages. Plus partying." - Roger Ebert "Whether you like movies like this, only you can say. But if you do not have some secret place in your soul that still responds even a little to brave cowboys, beautiful princesses and noble horses, then you are way too grown up and need to cut back on cable news. And please ignore any tiresome scolds who complain that the movie is not really based on fact. Duh." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Hidalgo_ "Did I ever mention the time I used the phrase "mutant radioactive ants inheriting the post-apocalyptic Earth" in a computer science dissertation?" - Richard Baker "Next week, I have to write a five year technology infrastructure plan for a rapidly growing multi-million pound turnover company. I wonder if I could sneak a requirement for lesbian kissing robots into that..." - Richard Baker "I believe it was me that said "Valentine’s Day sucks a big dog’s cock." I believe I said it this time last year in Warming Up. And already my wise thought is being quoted. Admittedly by me, but it is a start. Hopefully it will eventually end up in some collection of humorous quotations. It is my only ambition to be represented in such a tome and I think my thoughts on Valentine's Day have as good a chance as anything else I've said of making my dreams come true." - Richard Herring, not knowing that his dream has just come true "I can hear some people saying, “You have no business being proud of it. You didn’t carry her or give birth to her, you MAN.” If this is what you’re thinking, hold on, because I’m about to rock your world. It turns out that the work of raising a child doesn’t end when it is born." - Jeff Vogel, on being proud that his daughter has survived to reach age 2 "I am not particularly interested in inner beauty. I like beauty on the outside, where you can actually see it. If there is ugliness within then I'm not that bothered, as long as it stays where no-one can see it and is masked by outer beauty. A woman might have the most beautiful spleen in the world, but unless she's prepared to hack it out and wear it on her dress as a kind of broach, so my friends can all see it and be jealous of me for having such a fine spleened lover, then I'm sorry, I'm not interested. You can call me shallow. That would be preferable to being called strange." - Richard Herring "It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious." - Bill Hicks "One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years." - Bill Hicks "You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it." - Bill Hicks "They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference." - Bill Hicks "I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage." - Bill Hicks "I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument." - Bill Hicks "If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs." - Bill Hicks "People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction." - Bill Hicks "A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant." - Bill Hicks "Usenet is all fake. I have proof." - Charlie Bell > Jim, who finds that he's actually looking forward to AVP in contrast > to the unmitigated disaster that $6M Man will surely be Indeed. In this day and age, what can $6M buy you, anyway? A pair of glasses, a walking stick and a surgical truss. Hardly the esential ingedients for a crime fighting legend. - Rik Burke "And I maintain that the whole thing could have been averted if someone had just used a giant Visine-spraying hose on the eye...no wonder it was so angry, it was all red and sore." - Amanda Lowery, discussing _Return Of The King_ "Also, Aragorn finally sort of washes his hair...that was the plot thread I was most eager to see tied up." - Amanda Lowery, reviewing _Return Of The King_ > Aragorn's totally fab and all...but Exxon called, they want > his scalp. As the True King, Aragorn is naturally endowed with many valuable natural resources. - Gryffyd Dempsey "Beady's Corollary to Occam's Razor: "The likeliest explanation of any phenomenon is almost always the most boring."" - John "Beady" Beaderstadt "Harmon is singularly unconvincing as the President, not only because he recklessly endangers his daughter's life and his country's fortune, but also because he reads the newspaper, and there's no telling where that could lead." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Chasing Liberty_ "You may protest that I'm hauling Britney and Jason into a review of a movie they have nothing to do with, but you would be wrong. There are going to be people who say that no one could possibly be as glamorous and yet as stupid as the characters in this film, and I give you Jason and Britney, case closed." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Chasing Liberty_ "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles Duell, Commissioner of US Patent Office, 1899 "I think it is high time Python was recognized as a Religion. People say it changed their lives. It seems to give people hope. They gather together in groups to chant mass quotes. We have all spent three days on a cross. And it would give us a very decent tax break. For fuck sake if Scientology can be rated a religion then Pythology ought to qualify under any decent tax system." - Eric Idle "A young lady with a very fine bosom requests I sign her breasts and I reluctantly consent. It pains me to do this but I think it is expected of one. She has delightful skin and I do my best not to rush the job, but after ten minutes I am done." - Eric Idle "I think it's time for US Magazine politics. Why the fuck should we bother with ugly ass politicians? Boring insincere lying turkeys. Let's get some girls in skimpies with nice titties in the Oval Office. Let's run Christina or Britney. Hell, the Dixie Chicks made the most sensible political comments of last year, why not run a Victoria's Secret model for Vice President? You'd see a lot more of her than Cheney, and he's so busy lap-dancing fund-raising for re-election that it'd be a nice change to see a hot babe in the hot seat. Could they honestly do any worse? And it would really piss off the Foreign Fundamentalists. Fuck your crusades. Let them deal with big babes with beautiful breasts and that should dampen their revolutionary fervor. Who do you really want, a hairy bearded man in a turban, or Delores in her startling red underwear? Get my drift?" - Eric Idle "That's the trouble with fucking banjo players. As a guitarist you're just invisible. You sit around for hours playing three chords so that their strangulated instruments can sound vaguely tuneful, and you might as well not be there. I once spent an evening with five of them -it's a nightmare for a guitarist. They always have one more fucking plaintive lament to play involving e minor, dead miners and a cat. Banjo players hate all other musicians. They can only tolerate other banjo players. What's the line you never hear at a recording studio? Will the banjo player please move his Ferrari." - Eric Idle "If Bush was so determined to impose democracy on somewhere weird, filled with foreigners, why didn't he just start with Florida?" - Eric Idle "OK I finally achieved tour blindness. I wake up in the morning and I don't know where I am. I don't know what city I am in, what hotel I am in, what floor I am on or what the room number is. This is it. Pure Zen. Or Alzheimer's." - Eric Idle "Surely Victoria's Secret is sexual harassment of the male. At home they bombard me every day with catalogues. As if the sight of young women in satin skimpies was something I wanted to see. Sometimes I can't wait to get the mail…" - Eric Idle "A woman called Heidi Decker interviewed me on the radio. She told me she loved A Fish Called Wanda, that it was her favorite film and she had seen it about a hundred times. "That's very interesting," I say, "but I'm not in it."" - Eric Idle "Apostrophes indicate contraction or possession; they do not mean "here comes an s!"" - Nickmark "absense may make the heart grow fonder, but absinthe makes my head feel funny. and that's all i gotta say about today." - Matt Rhodes "I didn't point out to the rather large managers that the football they bring is the wrong shape for a limey. Football, what I call Football, is my addiction. I love it, and have done all my life and don't see why I have to call it Soccer here. My Football is played with the feet, unlike your Football, which is played with the hands. How would you like it if we made you call it Handball in the rest of the world? Soccer indeed." - Eric Idle "I have the same birthday as the former British Prime Minister John Major. I wrote to him once on his birthday and said that but for a quirk of fate I could have been Prime Minister of England, and he could have been the Man in the Nudge Nudge Sketch from Monty Python. I hoped he wasn't too disappointed..." - Eric Idle "I have no problem with her saying “fuck”, but if she becomes one of those kids who says “like” three times in every sentence, I’m takin’ her out." - Jeff Vogel, on his daughter learning to speak "Everywhere in this city is draped the improbable red and white maple leaf flag of Canada. Canada itself is improbable. The only other collaboration between the French and English (apart from the Hundred Years War) was Concorde. I notice the Yanks still haven't managed to produce an SST Passenger plane while ours have passed into retirement with only one accident in over twenty five years. (An unsurpassed safety record.) Perhaps that's what happens when you spend so much of your citizens money on high-tech weaponry for bombing low tech people." - Eric Idle "My wife has always said I can sleep with as many women as I want. But if I do she'll kill me. So I choose life. Also she is a cutie." - Eric Idle "It has become so complicated to fly nowadays that sometimes I believe only a terrorist could get through an airport." - Eric Idle "The problem with Leno is mainly the hair. I can't get over the fact there appears to be a badger doing a talk show." - Paul Walker "It's like being in a car with the young Hitler, prior to the Munich Putsch. If you had known Hitler in 1923 and had had some inkling of what crimes he would commit, I think you would be morally right to shoot him, or at least shave off his moustache to make him look less charismatic." - Richard Herring "My new friend Ian Johnston had an anecdote for me the moment I announced my sojourn to that mystic land, claiming that, yes, they have a lot of different shit there - in fact, they have everything but the thing you would most like. Man, I wish. I wish that's how it worked out. I was in the car with a gig of RAM and the fixings for a Serial ATA RAID, it was like some new holiday where you buy yourself presents. I wish I could say it was the strength of my will that kept me from buying an Athlon FX-51, but I think I actually blacked out." - Tycho, on his first visit to Fry's > Right, come here, I'll give you good kicking. Not the face! Oooh not there either (high pitched) - Steven Gross "Until now, Banks has written two types of book – mainstream novels in which the protagonist often appears to be living on a different planet, and science-fiction novels in which the characters actually are living on different planets." - William Leith, discussing Iain M. Banks "I am reminded of Gene Siskel's classic question, "Is this movie better than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?" In this case, it is not even better than a documentary of the same actors ordering room service while fighting the stomach flu." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Company Man_ "My main problem with "horror" as a genre is that it doesn't really evoke any kind of idea of what the film or book might be about. It could be a ghost story, or something about killer alien creatures on the loose, or knive-wielding maniacs, or Britney Spears acting, or whatever else." - Richard Baker "I confidentally predict that I will be killed by X in a freak accident with a harpoon or I will be crushed in some kind of a stampede or be eaten by hamsters. I will posit a few more suggestions over the next few months or years (if I have that long) and make sure that when I'm right you all come back to the correct entry and ignore all the others and then make a sort of thoughtful face and say "Hmmmm. Weird. It's like he could see the future. There are dark forces."" - Richard Herring "I have been confidentally predicting my own death since I was about six years old. One of these days I am going to get it right and then you'll be surprised and slightly spooked by my predictive powers." - Richard Herring "Wouldn't it be anticlimactic to be chased by a monster, reach your car, and just kinda drive off? And then never hear anything about it again?" - Josh Brandt "Everybody always sends you down here with their own illicit, homebrewed mechanism for gambling success - lucky machines, rituals, etcetera. I don't know if you've ever seen the Las Vegas strip, heaped itself like a buffet with faux cultures and obscene proclamations of wealth and grandeur. I'm just saying it's not hard to tell who has the winning strategy around here." - Tycho "Flying into Las Vegas made me realize that all other complaints I have made regarding turbulence were wild exaggerations, uncorroborated by reality. I'm not sure this pilot had ever flown before. I have never in my life felt motions like this, the plane tracing complex pictograms in some devil's language. Kara suggested that I have a mint, which she said would help, and I tried to imagine how a piece of candy would improve the impact and subsequent explosion of the aircraft. She was right, though. I closed my eyes and focused on the taste of it, that coordinate in the living universe, and fashioned for myself a green world prior to the invention of planes." - Tycho "Iraqi weapons of mass destruction: Were they a real threat? Did they, in fact, exist? If so, will they ever be found? Beats me. Now that I've cleared that up, I'd like to devote what little space I have left to the issue of piñata safety." - Dave Barry, tackling important world events "It isn't DIY until you draw blood" - Steven Gross "I got tired of having to stop and skip a page and substitute "And then they messed around with the sails to try to go faster, but it didn't work."" - Jim Battista, on the Master And Commander book he read "Worth messing around with for the sheer intellectual thrill, to toy with new application ideas, or the noble pursuit of making rude words appear in the Mac guy's Rendezvous bookmark list." - NTK, discussing HOWL, a free toolkit for zeroconf hacking on Windows, Linux and BSD. "When a Mac joins your network, it's always fun to guess what will announce its shareable resources first: OS X's built-in zeroconf/rendezvous protocol, or its braying human owner, showing off again." - NTK "bush ordered that there be no more leaks to the media and the news leaked almost immediately. he also ordered that there be no more articles quoting unnamed senior administration sources, which the article did." - Matt Rhodes "Note. I am aware that "realtor" is a trademark and is always supposed to be used with a capital "R." But I refuse to go along. Realtors can complain all they want, but why should they get an upper-case R just because they say so? Would we capitalize Philosopher, Exterminator, Proctologist or Critic?" - Roger Ebert "Y'know, it's getting to the point where I'm ready to start stopping random strangers on the street and asking them "When's the last time you patched your operating system?", and when they answer with any number more than 24 hours ago, I'm gonna bust 'em in the chops." - Huey Callison, on the vast number of e-mail viruses "I think commas are a tool of oppression." - Gabe "Actually, I got quite drunk myself last night, and woke up to find that I'd purchased the domain name www.JohnBunnell.com. Which was rather odd." - Rik Burke "A perfect adventure should have at least one magnificent private library somewhere in it and a butler. Also ancient crumbling temples, things that shine real bright and cool costumes." - Roger Ebert > Our refrigerator magnet poetry is all alien-invasion based, so there > are lots of words like "beam", "tentacle", "frightening" and > "plasma". Ironically, that actually describes the *contents* of our fridge. - Rik Burke "Those monks who spend their whole lives living in silence, eating gruel or sitting on the top of a thirty foot pole - Humble? Bollocks. They are the most self-inflated egotists men on this earth. And if any monks don't like what I'm saying, then come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. Oh, but you're not allowed to are you? You've got to turn the other cheek. Well come on then. Let me give you another smacking!" - Richard Herring "Curious, the ease with which Alex is able to dictate his novel. Words flow in an uninterrupted stream, all perfectly punctuated. No false starts, wrong word choices or despair. Emma writes everything down and then offers helpful suggestions, although she fails to supply the most useful observation of all, which would be to observe that the entire novel is complete crap." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Alex And Emma_ "Far from going to the gym I didn't actually change out of my dressing gown all day. I fear I may never work again. Or go out of the house. This is a step backwards for my resolution to make more of my life. But Broadband truly is sensational, if only because it allows constant internet access without having to worry about the phone bill. So you can flip from site to site without a care in the world. I even found one page where you can look at ladies who are almost totally bare. Incredible." - Richard Herring "I have to say I did quite fancy giving free running a go myself. Then I realised I lack the required skill, grace, guts, fitness, determination, artistry, strength, agility and vision. However, I suspect that a few pints might temporarily gift me all of those things. Along with the bonus skills of wit, a killer sense of humour and the ability to dance." - Rik Burke "I was at another book awards tonight. As usual I was not up for any kind of prize myself, which is fair enough as I only finished my first book yesterday and it hasn’t been published and even I am not expecting such a rapid recognition of my genius." - Richard Herring "My only evil-twin-related fear is that sooner or later someone's going to realise they've got the wrong one chained up in the attic." - Emmet O'Brien "What do you mean the martians are holding my pizza hostage?" - Keith Churchill "Do remember there haven't been any wars since the end of WW2. Though we've had plenty of operations, actions, insurgencies, peace keeping, uprisings, smack downs..." - Steven Gross "Yet this is how most religions started up. Someone noticed that when something happened, it caused some cosmic event and began to believe that if the first thing wasn’t done, then the second wouldn’t happen. In Ancient Egypt priests masturbated each morning in order to recreate the day. But that’s one custom I’m happy to keep going, just in case." - Richard Herring "As Jesus said, “If someone nicks your coat, fuck it, give them your trousers as well. That’ll show them.” Look it up, it’s in there. Ian 14:2, I think." - Richard Herring "You have to get up pretty late in the afternoon to put one over on me." - Amanda Lowery "The movie is rated R, so that the Columbine killers would have been protected from the "violent images," mostly of themselves. The MPAA continues its policy of banning teenagers from those films they most need to see. What utopian world do the flywheels of the ratings board think they are protecting?" - Roger Ebert, footnote to his review of _Bowling For Columbine_ "Posting at the top because that's where the cursor happened to be is like shitting in your pants because that's where your asshole happened to be." - Andreas Prilop, on replying above quoted text in e-mails "You know, screw good writing, I think my first novel is going to be something so awful it deserves an award for it (let's set a goal I can actually achieve, for once!). Hopefully something that in a few decades time, will be forced on teenage schoolkids, with the words, "No, you don't understand, it's actually a very clever *satire*", or "But it's all a very detailed analysis of Freudian models, and a homage to Shakespearian tragedies as well"." - Jo Richardson "_Firefly_ is not a book for reading. It is a book for laying down and avoiding, or, preferably, destroying. It reaches the same sublime level of awfulness as the Gentry Lee books, such that they should never be donated to a library or anything because then someone might accidentally read them." - Jim Battista "nude is the state you're in when you've no clothes on as an an artist's model. naked is the state you're in when you've been forcibly stripped by the people who took you prisoner. *NEKKID* is the state you're in when you're skinny-dipping, I tell you what." - Jim Battista "Nothing spoils the immersion of a film for me when a 20-something nearly gets munched by a zombie, just gets away and then says "crickey, that was a bit scary. Phew!". I want "F*** ME, WHAT THE F*** IS THAT? ARGH, GET OFF ME YOU MOTHERF***ER" etc etc. And preferably a pump action shotgun too." - Rik Burke "I do not rant. I explain the truth with uncommon lucidity." - Richard Baker "Are you menstruating or are you just happy to see me?" - Morten Torstensen "Goths in Sombreros. That's just wrong." - Scott Beeler, on seeing the photo's of a gathering he attended "It is bad luck to be superstitious." - Andrew Mathis "you know what's really good? boiling water poured over pieces of ginger with a little bit of rice syrup and some lemon juice. oh. sorry. what i MEANT to say was: you know what's good? totally rocking out and then like partying with some ho's and doing lines of blow off of a dwarfs butt. that's what i meant to say." - Moby "Between Venice and Rome, I've seen about nine different varieties of Monks, Priests, and Nuns. What do these differences represent, I wonder - is it for intramural sports? At the vey least, I'd imagine that each type has different skills and bonus feats." - Tycho "I'm now exceedingly drunk and must sleep. But I fear I'm about to suffer from 'helicopter bed'....." - Chris Platts "Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, "They who would give up on essential functionality for temporary security, deserve neither functionality nor security"?" - Brendan Nelson, adjusting a famous quote for a stupid IT security measure "[I want] to enter an entirely lesbian team in NASCAR and have it sponsored by Snap-On Tools." - Jim Battista "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." - Unknown "If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer not to me." - Larry Flynt > Pardon my gratuitous use of obscenity, but mighty fuck, TRIPODS! I see your "mighty fuck" and raise you a "Christ-on-a-Bike!" - Chris Platts "There's a marvellous photo and explanation here of the phenomenon of Solar Tadpoles, which is something I'd sort of missed until now. Scientists, we are told, now believe the tadpoles are superheated magnetic voids in the plasma. I, on the other hand, believe that they are the infallible early warning system of an upcoming plague of Solar Frogs. This is why scientists are scientists, and why my daughters look suspiciously at me whenever I try to explain the universe to them." - Neil Gaiman > Isn't the half-day holiday given so that you can go wash the feet > of some beggars? Screw that, I'm going shopping. Besides, who ever heard of some jewish guy washing the feet of some beggars at easter time, oh wait. - Steven Gross "To bring such an unimaginable mass shuddering to a halt would result, one assumes, in more than confused pigeons, but science is not this film's strong point. Besides, do pigeons need their innate magnetic direction-sensing navigational instincts for such everyday jobs as flying from the top of Nelson's column to the bottom?" - Roger Ebert, reviewing _The Core_ "To watch Keyes and the generals contemplate that burnt peach is to witness a scene that cries out from its very vitals to be cut from the movie and made into ukulele picks. Such goofiness amuses me." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _The Core_ "Xarion's friend wanted to know if my man Nihil and I were ready to do Cowboy Killers. I had tried to go to the bathroom just before this, and a loop from my fleece jacket had gotten caught on the pinball machine so I couldn't move, and I had chalked it up to "force fields." So this is the state of mind I was in when a shot of tequila, two lemon wedges, and a rubber band were placed before me. I looked at them for a moment. I couldn't imagine any way to combine these things that would not hurt." - Tycho "On a whim, he and two friends drove from Wisconsin to Seattle at a straight shot, and that seemed like something worth celebrating. If you are a young person, I recommend that you celebrate a trek like that with wholesome milk. We did not. We celebrated with Liquor, which is like milk, except that it issues forth from the devil's cold teat. Being bartenders, Xarion and his cohorts crafted beverages whose names are not known to men. He even invented a drink for me, which was exceedingly vile, and constructed thusly: Two shots of vodka, Grenadine, and Alka Seltzer. I'm not actually sure if he likes me very much." - Tycho "I imagine the flywheels at the MPAA congratulating each other on a good day's work as they rated "Half Past Dead" PG-13, after giving the anti-gun movie "Bowling for Columbine" an R." - Roger Ebert, once again unhappy about the US movie rating system "Seagal's great contribution to the movie is to look very serious, even menacing, in closeups carefully framed to hide his double chin. I do not object to the fact that he's put on weight. Look who's talking. I object to the fact that he thinks he can conceal it from us with knee-length coats and tricky camera angles. I would rather see a movie about a pudgy karate fighter than a movie about a guy you never get a good look at." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _Half Past Dead_ "What's the point of having facial hair if it isn't a big giant Moses beard that frightens children?" - Jim Battista "My Favorites folder is just a non-stop carnival of Elf Dicks." - Tycho, quoted alarmingly but humorously out of context "I have such an unreasonable affection for this movie, indeed, that it is only by slapping myself alongside the head and drinking black coffee that I can restrain myself from recommending it." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _The Core_ "If you're keeping up with our pettier news stories, you'll recall that document recently published by the BBC all about how to make websites accessible by not using proprietary standards. The one they released in PDF. Well, with all the speed of a publically-funded body, they got on the case and produced an alternate version. As you can see from the link, the BBC have now released it in Word format. Well, at least they're tying." - NTK "The way I heard it, he was going to drive the snakes out of Ireland, but after two hours of "Are we there yet", "She's on my side of the car.", "I have to go potty." "He Hit me." and "Are we there yet" Patrick became a bit less Saintly and resorted to "If you don't settle down RIGHT NOW I'm turning this car around and going home." How they finally got out of Ireland, I don't know." - Denaldo "Well over the past couple years I have signed games, systems, people and toys. My only real rule is I won't sign anything that may bite me or burn me. So for example I would not sign some kind of burning magma dog." - Gabe "I suddenly find my sense of moral direction thrown into disarray and do not know which position to take - shock at the stunning censorship and intolerance of dissent, or staunch support for all direct physical action taken against music of the country-pop genre? Support the underlying principles of the Western world, or safeguard the cultural future of the human race from unspeakable horrors? It's a dilemma..." - Brendan Nelson, DJ, commenting on the political fallout after comments by the Dixie Chicks "I turned on the news. Male newsreader: "It looks -- for now -- like the Iraqui missiles have stopped dropping on Kuwait, although the all-clear sirens haven't sounded. Tonight should see the beginning of Operation Shock and Awe." Female Newsreader: "And the Big Question on Everybody's Lips is -- How will all this affect the Oscars?" Male newsreader (realising that this may be a slight gaffe, trying to fix it): "Er, the big Entertainment Question, you mean." Female Newsreader (irritated at being interrupted): "Well, it's all we're thinking about in LA." I turned off the news at that point, feeling like I was living in a rather broadly written satire." - Neil Gaiman > (Gore was the one who flunked out of college while Bush was the one > with an MBA from Harvard) If by "flunked out of college" you meant "graduated cum laude from Harvard (1969), then from Vanderbilt Divinity School (1972), then from Vanderbilt Law School (1976)," you're absolutely right. - Shenkerian "New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds." - James Randi > nothing like a pint of whiskey to cheer you up. Nothing like a pint of whisky to tranquilise a heffalump... - Charlie Bell "I think I write more or less how I talk, although I say "um..." a lot more than I write it, and will occasionally in conversation drift off in the middle of a sent...." - Neil Gaiman "The Mariott hotel group is under the impression that you can make a drinkable cup of tea using the hotel room's coffee perculator, a complimentary tea-bag, a thing of creamer, and a sort of a small cut off plastic straw. The Marriott hotel group is wrong." - Neil Gaiman "Eternal damnation awaits anyone who questions God's unconditional love." - Bill Hicks "Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are *really expensive* in prison." - John Hardwick "I cannot reply to this without my computer crashing" - Camilla Roskelley "I never really had the college experience. I went to a community college for a few years but right when I joined they got Tekken 2 in the arcade. The combination of Paul Phoenix and teachers who didn’t care if I showed up for class proved to be my academic downfall." - Gabe "My guess is, if most guys saw how their relationships with their children would turn out, they’d give themselves vasectomies with ballpoint pens the moment they got their first boner. I may sound a tiny bit pessimistic now. It’s OK, though. Reality is far, far worse." - Jeff Vogel "Our baby daughter Cordelia is almost a year old. She is, you will be pleased to hear, still alive. Most of the credit for her continued survival goes to my wife, who has given Cordelia all but one of her baths. If that job was left to me, it would only be a matter of time before my daughter was dirty at the same time as the dishwasher was empty, and I would get a great idea for how to save a little time." - Jeff Vogel "Since we have a child, and children actually give a shit, my wife Mariann and I are going to need to start really putting some flash and spin on this whole Christmas thing. This is easy for Mariann... she loves Christmas. She puts up lights and a tree and everything. Me, I just buy people some dry goods, suck up my own gifts, and spend the birthday of our Lord and Savior sitting around in shorts, scratching my balls, and watching videos." - Jeff Vogel "It’s sad and painful, but true. Babies are fragile and valuable. Think about it this way. Carrying a baby is like carrying a rare, original, mint condition Millennium Falcon model, except that the baby is much harder to replace on EBay." - Jeff Vogel "I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear." - Woody Allen "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." - Woody Allen "The Koran forbids anybody to wear fancy jewelry or any other "status symbols" which might suggest the person wearing them is either wealthy or a big fan of status symbols. This also means that Islamic fundamentalists cannot drive SUVs, which I really fucking hope catches on with other religions damn soon." - Rich Kyanka "The genius behind the Jewish fundamentalist clothing line lies in its flexibility; pray from 6:30 AM until 11:30 PM, then head over to your local goth nightclub and seamlessly blend in with various Switchblade Symphony fans!" - Rich Kyanka "Web-filtering software is a godsend not only to god but also to sites like Something Awful, preventing me from being washed into Lake Washington by the ridiculous amount of furious emails sent by highly religious people who might take offense to me referring to their magnificent god as "some bearded guy." I'm not exactly sure why facial hair is a sign of being King Holy Pants and everything, but it seems like bearded guys are always at the top of the food chain when it comes to the ranks of religion." - Rich Kyanka "Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." - Woody Allen "Anti-vaccination people are spooky. I'm not saying that vaccines should be mandatory, but everyone who doesn't have their infants take advantage of the miracles of modern medicine should be required to either provide a solid health reason why the vaccine will be harmful ("The last one made her burst into flames.") or write a 500 word essay entitled "Why Polio Isn't So Bad."" - Jeff Vogel "The secrets of the plot must remain unrevealed by me, so that you can be offended by them yourself, but let it be said this movie is about as corrupt, intellectually bankrupt and morally dishonest as it could possibly be without David Gale actually hiring himself out as a joker at the court of Saddam Hussein." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _The Life Of David Gale_ "I am aware this is the second time in two weeks I have been compelled to quote Lear, but there are times when Eminem simply will not do." - Roger Ebert "a friend of mine once invited me to go skating in central park at 9 a.m. no, i don't think so. you can't fool me. there is no such thing as 9a.m. i've heard tell of this mythical time, but i KNOW that it doesn't exist. it's like atlantis or the loch ness monster or wyoming. purely mythical things that really could never actually exist." - Moby >> Man, those Jedi... no fcuking imagination at all... > Right - holy war against *you* then. A Jehadi ? - Graham Lee > What's a Jedi temple called? A 'Jedi Temple' - Will Sheward "Neither MYTHTV nor FREEVO are ready for rolling out onto your grandparents' settop boxen (unless your nan knows how to install MySql, or hand-edit dodgy XML and Python config files). Both suffer slightly from that post-Enlightenment open source development strategy of coding until you hit a cool enough screenshot, then moving on." - NTK > What I meant was, how do you decide if a dictatorship is a > right-wing military regime or a left-wing military regime? Drop them from a great height and see which way they spin? - Charlie Bell "Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson star. I neglected to mention that, maybe because I was trying to place them in this review's version of the Witness Protection Program. If I were taken off the movie beat and assigned to cover the interior design of bowling alleys, I would have some idea of how they must have felt as they made this film." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _How to lose a guy in 10 days_ "I used to take my son into public restrooms, and it was no big deal, because boys can, well, you know what boys can do. But girls need a place to sit, and the typical men's room has no surface I want my daughter to come into contact with, including the ceiling." - Dave Barry "I've always wondered how God might be able to push through the regime change plans outlined in Revelations if faced with a modern humankind with modern weaponry; those angels with swords of fire must have sounded scary to the Pharisees but how much gigatonnage could those boys handle?" - Brendan Nelson " Preparation is for the weak. A real teacher does not coddle his students with decadent "coherence" and "understandability." " - Jim Battista "Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money." - Moliere "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." - W. Somerset Maugham "One closing grammar note: I got several letters from people who informed me that ''stupidest'' and ''stupider'' are not real words. To those people, I say, with gratitude and sincerity: Oh, shut up." - Dave Barry "For the record, any of you people wanting more snow are officially designated Wankers Who Work Indoors All The Time, with a side helping of I Hope I Have More Credit With The Gods Than You. It's finally getting warm out here, but I've been pissing about on the four-wheeler in this stinking white shit for days, freezing my buns off and cussing at cows, who think bad weather is an excuse to break down long stretches of fence, show up at the barn, and shit all over everything. Not to mention hauling water troughs in to hand-thaw them with hot water and wind that could make a Eskimo go for another coat. God, I hate winter." - Kat Feete, who apparently doesn't like winter "Ten top reasons religious folks should not worry about Harry Potter leading children into witchcraft and the occult: 10. Harry Potter is fictional 9. Harry Potter is fictional 8. Harry Potter is fictional 7. Harry Potter is fictional 6. Harry Potter is fictional 5. Harry Potter is fictional 4. Harry Potter is fictional 3. Harry Potter is fictional 2. Harry Potter is fictional 1. Harry Potter is fictional." - James Randi "Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies." - The Onion, from the horoscopes page "apparently i....was....mentioned....on....the.....simpsons..... it is a good day." - Moby, who is a huge Simpsons fan "if you haven't had any caffeine in a month and then you have a very strong cup of coffee, well, you end up like me right now. i feel like a squirrel on crack." - Moby "ok, i know this isn't going to do much to re-inforce my credibility within the world of extreme sports, but we've just added 2 new forums, 'art' and 'literature.'" - Moby, talking about his web page forums "Amazon have had me on tenterhooks with repeatedly-delayed delivery dates for Christmas pressies, but they finally arrived today! Phew - though I might've had to *leave the house*..." - Chris Platts "I had a dream last night that the Earth had been conquered by aliens, and among their harsh terms was one limiting internet use to about a half-hour each day. And they were absolute pigs for cost-cutting and improving efficiency. It was like being conquered by auditors." - Gryffyd Dempsey "what happened to words? what's with all the beats per minute? who needs all those beats per minute? nobody can possible hear all those beats. you loose some of them. and then where are you? dancing like someone shoved a vibrator up your ass and set it on stun." - Matt Rhodes, complaining about certain music "I am not, myself, terribly fond of chocolate. I think the color unseemly, and this suspicion underpins everything I believe about it." - Tycho "You know what would be cool? A One Ring looseleaf binder. It would have one ring, and you could use it in the darkness. To, you know, bind things." - Alter Reiss "I had my car's alignment checked. It was chaotic evil!" - James Wolf "Every time I have to pipe something into awk I get this mental picture of a big fat seagull with stdin connected at the wrong end." - Arther van der Harg "And consider this: considering how long Bond James Bond has been, ehh, active, about 40% of the people born since 1960 must be his kids." - Jim Battista "I'll be serving as a crew biologist and psychologist, as well as Health and Safety Officer, which means that after everyone goes insane, the research station will probably burn down." - Adrian Hon, on his visit to the Mars Society's Desert Research Station "Regarding good graphics being distacting, I had a similar problem when GT3 on PS2 first arrived. It looked so good, I kept forgetting to steer." - Charlie Bell "Can I just say that I'd like to place a bet on the chances of the first person to use a space elevator exclaiming "wheeeeeeeeeee!" as he or she is doing so. A tenner says they do." - Chris Platts "To quote another ancient proverb, A camel is a horse designed by a committee. "Life or Something Like It" is the movie designed by the camel." - Roger Ebert "Dad remembers the 70's fine. It's the 80's that he has trouble with." - Jack Osbourne "Well we know that Beethoven was notriously grumpy. He was also the greatest musical genius to ever live. That of course is a value judgment,and if you disagree with it you are a terrorist" - Dallas Barabasz-Lynn "If you're Mormon you might disagree, but if you're Mormon you're crazy anyway so go away.(To the Mormons--if you think I'm making fun of your religion, I am. Crazy bastards.)" - Dallas Barabasz-Lynn "The internet. It needs to be bigger." - Dan Hon "Fear the wrath of the Metallica-loving rubber lovemasters!" - Amanda Lowery > I'm actually 15 years old and yes I only masturbated 336 times in > my life. I believe the phrase you're looking for is X-No-Archive... - Gareth Owen > Is the American war machine really being run on such an unprotected > basis? Far more frightening IMHO is that the American war machine is run by Americans... - Liam Gretton "My mother told me on my own wedding day that if Brenna and I ever got into a big fight, we should immediately take off all our clothes. I mean, it works well enough. When I can forget my mom." - Tycho >>That said the idea of a sentient Labrador is kinda scary > Why? The idea of a sentient creature with only three desires: > --to eat > --to mate > --to retrieve thrown objects > strikes you as scary? Sounds like a baseball or football jock. - Robert Seeberger "You can't really appreciate the bible until you have read it in the original klingon." - Steven Gross "John Ashcroft seems to have leared what he knows about civil liberties from Tehran University." - Gryffyd Dempsey "I've completely lost the ability to type without errors, for some reason. And I'm totally sober. This is not good." - Paul Walker "It's English. A language of few rules, but millions of exceptions." - Charlie Bell "Perl looks like my cat sat on the keypad." - Charlie Bell "The polygraph is . . . a highly reliable detector of orgasms. But does it detect lies? Only if you're lying about having an orgasm." - Bob Park "The Spiderman movie is the reason god invented the cinema." - Gabe "I'm a simple man with simple tastes. No, hold up, I always get that wrong. I'm a simple man." - Rik Burke "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." - Douglas Adams "Even the sceptical mind must be prepared to accept the unacceptable when there is no alternative. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands." - Douglas Adams "Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to." - Douglas Adams "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams "I get all my ideas from a mail order company in Indianapolis. Although I'm not prepared to give you their name." - Douglas Adams "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." - Carl Jung "If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster." - Isaac Asimov "I also got to shoot my boss in the back 13 times in one game at laser quest. Which officially makes today the best day out....EVER! If only I could have tied him up and pistol whipped him, it would have been perfect." - Rik Burke "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." - George W. Bush "I'm the guy who looks like a complete dork." - Wil Wheaton "I thought IT support and Lion Taming were the same thing" - Keith Churchill > Facts are still facts. And when has having no leg to stand on ever bothered me before? - Lalith Vipulananthan "I've started referring to the proposed action against Iraq as Desert Storm 1.1, since it reminds me of a Microsoft upgrade: it's expensive, most people aren't sure they want it, and it probably won't work." - Kevin Barkes > Is it time I watched Battlefield Earth? No. Watch paint dry instead. Even if it's already dry. - Unknown "it is a free country, after all. well, at least until i get elected. then you'll see." - Moby "well, the reason that we're going to the beach is cos there's apparently some really good crack for sale at the beach. and we're meeting metallica at the beach. and we're going to burn tires at the beach. just trying to regain some tough-guy cred. oh, look! there's a little lavendar pot-pourri on my hotel desk! damn damn damn. tough-guys do NOT wax poetic about lavendar pot-pourri. i need lessons. let's try again, fuck yeah! there's some totally rad, fuckin' kickass lavendar pot-pourri on my awesomely rad desk! better? no? ok, i'll stop now. time to find my uni-tard and my parasol." - Moby "No, you've got it all wrong. We're supposed to argue based on our own prejudices and convince each other we're right. Why you want to bring actual facts into it?" - Charlie Bell, on how to debate properly "We in the USA haven't learned how to write a date logically, or use the metric system, or get with Celsius..." - James Randi "There's something about a real writer saying I'm a writer that makes me feel like maybe I could amount to something after all, if I just keep going." - Neil Gaiman, after reading Orson Scott Card's review of _Coraline_ "this is Finland and people don't chat unless beer is involved." - Fionna O'Sullivan "No no...women *are* supposed to go to the bathroom togther for sekrit female things (like talking about the other people at the table/party/what have you and borrowing feminine hygiene products from each other), they're just not supposed to talk while on the cludgie (in my world anyway)." - Amanda Lowery "To believe that human history is controlled by a secret cabal who are the real power behind all governments is, to use precise scientific terminology, to be a whacko nut case." - Steve Brust "Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again." - Andre Gide "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." - Albert Einstein "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein "Do not perform these out of order: 1--Put your contacts in 2--Urinate 3--Slice the jalapenos for the nachos" - Billy King "If the universe really is like this, we Earthlings are gonna kick butt when we get out there!" - David Brin, on sci-fi movie clichés "Rarely in the field of corporate bollocks has so much been said in so many words to communicate so few actual thoughts." - Charlie Bell "Sod this, history's boring - I'm going to bed." - Rik Burke "Your Jedi mind tricks will not work with... hey... shiny thing..." - Dan Hon "My fantasy is to have a (very James Bond-like) laser mounted on the hood of my car. Not to blow people up, but so that I can etch the word "asswipe" on the rear window of the more dangerous drivers." - Marvin Long "And once, just once, I'd like to be pulled over by a copper, and told "Was just following you through that series of bends, sir, and that was textbook. Good lines, perfect speed, excellent positioning, couldn't have done it better myself. Have a gold star."" - Charlie Bell "As Brendan said, an 'anthem' should be a good, singalong stuff, rousing choruses of stella-fuelled masses singing it arm in arm as they fall out of the pub. Think of the unifying effect of that! None of this poncey "send her victorious" bollocks, I want our new national anthem to be Angels by Robbie Williams." - Rik Burke "Hey, Fort Worth has charm...er, if you're into cows & beer, anyway." - Marvin Long "Oh dear god. I've just used the "if you're not a criminal you've nothing to be scared of" argument. I believe I'm now bound by law to join the Conservative party." - Rik Burke "Even though it's far less catchy, I'd be far more likely to support a "war against homicidal fundamentalist nutcases" than a "war against terrorism"." - Brendan Nelson "Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ``Those individuals should be on medication.''" - Dave Barry "When someone warns you that their holiday photos contain a little nudity, is it reasonable to expect that that means that there's a little bit more skin than usual? I certainly wasn't expecting photos of some guy called Andreas in all his upstanding glory." - Claire Bickell "There ought to be laws against putting Buffy dvd rips where I can get them." - Charlie Bell "There are certainly some things that you can do on the Moon that you can't do anywhere else. For example, if you wanted to study the Moon itself then it's obviously the place to do it." - Richard Baker "I'd rather eat my eyeballs on toast than use a Hotmail account." - Richard Baker "I've just worked out that I can go on the dole. This is all pretty mind bending stuff. If I do, I'll let you know what I'm spending your tax on." - Dan Hon "*note to self* the best time to begin sampling a range of exotic foreign vodkas is *not* after eight pints of stella." - Rik Burke "I love you forever, Rich. Come here, and I'll give you a good kicking." - Camilla Roskelley > Why can't I buy Mint Kit-Kats in the US? Because if you could, the terrorists would have already won. - Jim Battista "Memo to self: even if you don't think you're going to win, write a speech. Otherwise you will wind up on the stage in front of several thousand people, finishing an impromptu speech with "Fuck, I got a Hugo."" - Neil Gaiman "I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilder Radner "The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." - Oscar Wilde "Drawing on my fine command of the English language I said nothing." - Robert Benchley "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." - Dave Barry "Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read." - Frank Zappa "Puritanism: the haunting fear that somebody, somewhere, might be having a good time." - H.L. Mencken "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." - Groucho Marx "Iced tea is an abomination that should be obliterated from the face of the planet and its creator forced to endure a eternity of diabolic punishment, yet it is quite nice when combined with mango flavouring." - Lalith Vipulananthan "I refuse to spell things the wrong way, though. Merka may have had to sell its extra u's during the war, but that's not my problem." - Amanda Lowery, a Canadian now residing in the US "Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid." - Mark Twain "I don't like money very much, but it calms my nerves." - Joe Loius "Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate." - Dave Barry "The difference between love and sex is that sex relieves tension and love causes it." - Woody Allen "Our comedies are not to be laughed at." - Sam Goldwyn "Never make forecasts, especially about the future." - Sam Goldwyn "Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue." - Sam Goldwyn "Remember this: many a good story has been ruined by over-verification." - James Gordon Bennett "We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir." - Sam Goldwyn "A bachelor's life is no life for a single man." - Sam Goldwyn "True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no -- but I'm giving you a definite maybe." - Sam Goldwyn "A joke is a very serious thing." - Winston Churchill "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business." - Sam Goldwyn "Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it." - Sam Goldwyn "Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with." - Artemus Ward "It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities." - Sam Goldwyn "If I look confused it's because I'm thinking." - Sam Goldwyn "I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it." - Sam Goldwyn "Gentlemen, include me out." - Sam Goldwyn "Let's have some new clichés." - Sam Goldwyn "If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank." - Woody Allen "In life you have to take the bitter with the sour." - Sam Goldwyn "Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra "The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry." - John Jensen "A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year" - Marty Allen "Diplomacy is saying 'nice doggy' until you find a rock" - Wyn Catlin "Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams" - Mary Ellen Kelly "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded." - Yogi Berra "I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately it's the government." - Woody Allen "Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl" - Mike Adams "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." - Yogi Berra "If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right" - Sam Goldwyn "And it's also ok to bugger a dead animal, apparently, which I'm sure comes as a big relief to all of use. Bring out the moose!" - Rik Burke "It comes from the school of "Why blow up two cars, when fifteen cars will do?"" - The Self-Made Critic, reviewing _XXX_ "Vin Diesel stars as Xander Cage, also known as XXX. He doesn't like you. If you met him in a street, he'd probably punch you and say something witty like "I just punched you." He's totally awesome." - The Self-Made Critic, reviewing _XXX_ "The TV signal just cut out! In the middle of the Simpsons! Help! Heeeeeelp!!" - Martin McGrane "i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file" - Opcode "The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?" - Unknown "i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet" - HatfulOfHollow "Also please apply standard clauses here apologising for general web-site crapiness; bear in mind I'm a mainframe programmer and not used to fancy stuff like "colours other than green and black"." - Rik Burke "And I'd just like to make it clear that I am not as unfit as has been claimed, and that when I reached the peak of Primrose Hill, I was merely wheezing in solidarity with Phil. And sweating for the same reason. And the minor coronary was merely my propensity for method acting going a little far." - Rik Burke "Ask someone who did more than chemistry A-level... I truly don't know the answer to that. Can't we got back to bugs and blood and evolution, please? I feel safer there." - Charlie Bell "a rose by any other name is still a reproductive organ." - Moby "in the future we're all going to regret this period in music where our tastes were determinedby 11 year old girls and wrestling fans." - Moby "It's a well-known fact that United never actually lose games, but are the victims of a cunning, worldwide conspiracy." - Chris Charles, reporting on a Manchester United loss "I refuse to eat lima beans. They look like dinosaur boogers." - Gina > How come Neil Gaiman books in development as movies never actually > get made? Sunspot activity. - Neil Gaiman "There's always something to do at work, even if it isn't actually of a work-oriented nature" - Lalith Vipulananthan > Still looking for a decent random quote generator I find the List works quite well for that. - Paul Walker, talking about the Culture List "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark Twain "Computers allow people to make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla." - Mitch Ratcliffe "It's as much fun as getting stabbed in the ribs" - Andrew Crystal, describing working with UML "Gun Metal just came out here. It's incredibly satisfying to push a button and see everything in a 10 kilometre radius around me evaporate. I feel like George Bush..." - Cameron Munro > > I aim to please. > No, you don't. Ok. Sometimes I pretend to. - Claire Bickell "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Government is from Uranus." - Peter Dawson "Do you think I should be worried that I am drawn to girls with pointy Vulcan ears?" - Andrew Paul "Tides happen when all the fish group together and swim quickly in one diretion, just to wind us up. It's also why the planet revolves." - Rob Andrews "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." - Dennis Wholey "Many years ago I pointed out that deadlines are cowardly: they don't stride out alone. They run in packs, and leap out at you all at once." - Neil Gaiman "It's time for you to show some guts and gather together whatever money you have been able to acquire since the last time you got nailed by Wall Street, and send it to Wall Street. Just do it! Wall Street needs your money NOW! That crack stuff is not cheap." - Dave Barry "Nearly FOUR BILLION DOLLARS! This is an incredible feat of improper accounting, on a par with some of the finest work of the federal government. The WorldCom accounting department must have slaved day and night to improperly account for that much money in such a short time. I've been filing expense reports to The Miami Herald for 20 years, and I bet I haven't improperly accounted for HALF that amount." - Dave Barry "Nevertheless, you small investors remain skittish. One reason is these darned accounting scandals. I don't know about you, but I always thought of accountants as being serious, suit-wearing people whose idea of a wild and crazy night was to crack open a bottle of Snapple and recalculate their tax returns. And here it turns out that accounting is a WILD AND CRAZY profession. It is the Limp Bizkit of professions." - Dave Barry "The last I heard, my editor was mumbling a bit over [the Johnny books]. Though he personally loved J&tD I think he thought Americans wouldn't (as in: no-one in the book is American, WWI happened on another continent that American kids couldn't find on an atlas with three tries, and it feels, ugh, European. I'm paraphrasing his far more diplomatically worded comments)." - Terry Pratchett "tax-paying hotel guests deserve to have a good nights sleep that is undisturbed by flying dinosaurs. at least that's what i think." - Moby "Men are *not* overcompetitive! Men do *not* take competitive activities too seriously! I am *determined* to win this argument!!" - Brendan Nelson "Ah, dictionaries are for the weak. I got through 4 years of German at school by making up words, I don't see any reason to change now." - Andrew Cunningham "The computers may suck, and software ... may suck, but it's the people who provide the horror." - Rebecca Ore "Well, you will notice that the press release came from Austin, TX. There's a high probability the person was high when they wrote it." - ColdChef "The only thing I can say in my defence is that I was horrifically sober at the time." - Phil Dyson "Oh, and be sure to incorporate lots of slang from 2 years ago. Word up." - Jim Battista, on how to embarrass your kids "Of all the special effects in the movie, the most impressive are the ones that keep the breasts of the many nubile maidens covered to within one centimeter of the PG-13 guidelines." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _The Scorpion King_ "i like the fact that i got a letter from jane goodall today and as far as i can tell she actually wrote it." - Moby "If I've pissed anyone off, offended anyone, pushed some buttons, made you cry with frustration or just been plain rude, then you probably deserved it." - Jon Savage "I was arrested for possession when I was a youngster, and on the way out a policeman asked, "so have you learnt your lesson?". I said "um, yeah! don't smoke cannabis!". The policeman laughed and said, "no, you idiot - just don't be such a moron next time and don't let yourself get caught! now sod off!"" - Brendan Nelson "Good at writing crap, crap at writing good." - Rik Burke, commenting on his author skills "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Drew Carey "Conan the Grammarian" - Jim Battista "if you only knew the myriad bad hair and clothing choices i've made in my life. me with a pony tail and a 'hip hop' sergio tacchini warm-up jacket and 'hip hop' dookie gold rope in 1988. and so on. and so on. yes. i will understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore." - Moby "i've never done anything embarrassing in my life (apart from misspelling words in a public forum)." - Moby > Then why is it called "Great" Britain? Cos it's well wikkid? - Rik Burke "I've had my purchase of an X-box and Halo vetoed until we've bought a sofa, got some curtains and had the bathroom tiled! Needless to say, these conditions have produced a flurry of activity the likes of which haven't been seen since we moved in...I bought the sofa yesterday, and I'm off into town now to look at some tiles..." - Rik Burke "If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." - Lin Yutang "No good deed goes unpunished." - Clare Boothe Luce "Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." - Robert Bentley "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it." - W. C. Fields "I am willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong." - Sam Goldwyn "Yes, even as a child I was already on my way to being a dangerous subversive. Feel free to talk to any of my middle school teachers if you doubt me." - Wil Wheaton "Curse you and your quotes file!" - Steven Gross, endorsing this quotes file... "Talking of extreme sports and our earlier thread about the terminal velocity of a hippo"[...] - Steven Gross, casually introducing a new topic of discussion "Yeah, I sprained that wrist in 'Nam!" - Steven Gross, on how to explain a suspicious injury "So can we bomb Red Cross warehouses, Chinese embassies, Afghan wedding parties, and friendly troops? I suspect that, if we can't, it wouldn't give an accurate picture of "America's Army"." - Brendan Nelson, talking about the FPS _America's Army_ "... And why arnt I in your quotes list? .. I say plenty of stupid things!..." - Daniel Morrison, my brother > *sigh* You're making Baby Jesus cry. i rather suspect he's been crying for about 2000 years now. Lord, save me from your followers - Rob Munsch "Diagnosis Murder, absolutely the worst TV show in history - yes even worse than Eldorado and the complete works of Glen A Larsen, has people defending its 'quality'. A billion years after our ancestors crawled out of the ocean have led to this... Doomed I tell you, doomed." - Phil Dyson "Y'know I always wonder what happens to e-mail marketeers when they die. I have this vision of them descending into hell where they are forced to read the crap they've clogged our inboxes with for eternity. Using Lotus Notes. While listening to the latest Posh Spice record." - Phil Dyson "musicians should be able to run around like retarded monkeys for 2 hours at the very least. it's our duty to be fit! we are here to entertain you! and an out of breath musician might be funny in a pathetic sort of way, but an out of breath musician is not quality entertainment as i understand it to be." - Moby "i have a friend who failed the turing test...." - Rob Munsch "Dude! We play death metal! An appreciation of Hendrix is not required." - Lalith Vipulananthan "Call me a romantic, but when your loved one thinks you're dead, give them a ring." - Roger Ebert, reviewing _We Were Soldiers_ "The number of "proper" chords I know is actually smaller than the number of guitars I own." - Andrew Cunningham "On a crowded train journey or something, if someone headbutted me whilst they were dancing, *then* I could be righteously annoyed, since dancing and headbutting aren't generally seen as part of the experience (depending on which train you are on of course)" - Fionna O'Sullivan "Yes, it's about time we had some new taboo words. Or bring back some old ones. I'm going to dip all the way to Shakespeare and start calling people a "bull's pizzle", I think. On the one hand: offensive. On the other: cultured. And as for that parental line about swearing only indicating a limited vocbulary - well, it fucks that theory right up the arse." - Rik Burke "Bears, apparently, make brilliant housepets. Less dull than fish, but more practical than giant squid, they are the perfect compromise." - Andrew Cunningham "Was bitten on the cheek by a spider. Do not appear to be able to climb walls or have any kind of extrasensory abilities yet. So far I've just got a spider bite on my cheek. Seems deeply unfair, really." - Neil Gaiman > Okay, I see what you mean, although I'm not sure I'd sure I'd > characterise you as quite so strongly optimisitic/idealistic. You don't think intending to industrialise the Solar System *and* usher in a new Renaissance are strongly optimistic/idealistic? - Richard Baker "I still prefer to think of myself as mysterious......'sneaky' just doesn't have the same ring somehow." - Ritu Ko ""Anakin" displays about as much passion for "Padmé" as I would. There are obviously some unresolved sexual orientation issues here. Hmmm ... where does "Obi-Wan" fit in? "Ooo, Master, what a big light sabre you have."" - Patrick Gliddon, cheerfully gay "Do you have to pass a punting exam before you can live in Cambridge?" - Roxanne Dunning "Soccer isn't an English word......it's American for 'football'" - Lee Benjamin "My eye doctor had a stroke a few years ago, he says that his staff can actually read his writing now that he has to use his left hand..." - Amanda Lowery "If you're tired of cardboard heroes saving the world in implausible ways, you're tired of life..." - Charlie Bell "Neckties are Satanic symbols. They represent Judas's noose. Those who wear neckties signify their identification with the man who betrayed Our Lord. You will notice when you watch television that all the announcers who are wearing neckties are lying to you. This is no accident." - Unknown "May numberless hungry wombats of perdition mistake your naughty bits for kibble!" - Anthony J. Bryant "I've been off-and-on reading a history of Britain (misnamed, should be a history of England), and really, for the amount of fuss made at various times over who was the rightful heir, there were an awful number of times when the answer was 'the one with the biggest army'." - Fionna O'Sullivan "i've just been told that '18' is the # 1 selling album in the world. whoo-boy, that's just nuts. i'm a little bald guy from the lower east side of manhattan and i make records in my spare bedroom. how have i ended up with the #1 selling album in the world?" - Moby "My job would be SO much easier if I could utilize the forces of Darkness when necessary..." - James DiBenedetto "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry Actually, you probably wouldn't like me even when I'm *not* angry." - Rik Burke "I note that Fortuyn's party can attribute much of their electoral success to the murder of their leader shortly before the elections. I think I would be fairly happy to see a modest increase in the votes polled by Sinn Fein or the Front Nationale, provided it was obtained under exactly similar circumstances." - Terrapin "One telltale sign that you need to go back to the old drawing board on a home plumbing project is if urine and feces are geysering out of the kitchen sink." - The Onion, home improvement tip "Is it a bird, is it a plane, oh f*** its a plane" - Mark Thackstone "Plus, she looks like some kind of freaky mantis-woman, and I keep expecting her to rotate her head 360 degrees, snag a roady in her freakish pipestem arms and bite his head off." - Adam C. Lipscomb, discussing Celine Dion "Please remember that downloading MP3s damages the music industry so please do it early, often and cheerfully." - Cathal Coughlan "At my last work (well, only work) to get to the stationery room there was a code locked door, 2 swipe card locked doors and 3 key locked doors. I was in the nerve centre of customs surveillance more often than that room." - Martin McGrane "if this is his take on romance, it's no wonder he's not married anymore." - Matt Rhodes, On George Lucas' script-writing skills for Star Wars Episode 2 "I don't see what C++ has to do with keeping people from shooting themselves in the foot. C++ will happily load the gun, offer you a drink to steady your nerves, and help you aim." - Peter da Silva > By the way, have you heard Boards of Canada? Sounds like whale music would if whales had access to synthesisers. - Paul Walker "I'm not sure where I was during the 80s, but it certainly wasn't planet Earth." - Claire Bickell > So my question is this: how does _Neverwhere_ compare to other > books by Neil Gaiman? Are all his books this good? Better? Worse? When Neil starts writing cereal box cover, I'll start buying cereal. - Steven Brust "The Rock may be better at acting, fighting and posing, but he will never match Arnie's bemused glower, nor the bug-eyed expression of extreme passionate emotion. And of course he will never say "Yu vill dai" with a broad Austrian accent." - Marc Beyer > No doubt quantum mechanics has a clever excuse that has no real > world meaning. I thought postmodernism filled that role... - John VanSickle "Look, we're still pissed off about the last two world wars, Napoleon, the 100 years war and 1066. If the Roman Empire hadn't collapsed, we'd be annoyed about that Caesar bastard with his dodgy foreign food and his straight roads too... Grudge? What Grudge?" - Charlie Bell "HA! I'm mailing you FROM MY COUCH! This rocks. Wireless internet may be second only to the Saturn V in coolness." - Jim Battista "As somone who works for a credit card company, I highly recommend you take that card and snip it in half. Credit cards are the work of the devil." - Rik Burke "I need an "Ooops!" key on this computer..." - James Randi "I read the first Bridget Jones book and hated it with a passion. I'd rather nail my bollocks to the mast of a sinking ship than read the sequel." - Rik Burke > > How do these support the idea that "Jesus" was a composite of > > several people? > The Jesus in Matthew had a different grandfather than the one in > Luke. Well, don't we all have two grandf...oh, wait, never mind - Rick B "Look, for the last time: I am not a nice person. I am malevolent." - Richard Baker "Does it have to be correct to be funny?" - Lalith Vipulananthan, responding to a correction > They were, of course, Vampire Submariners and not Vampire Slayers. You know, now it makes much more sense... - Adrian Hon "As far as I'm concerned, any list that can produce the wonders that are flaming ass filth and Cannabalistic Nazi Vampire Slayers is doing perfectly fine." - Adrian Hon "It has it's good and bad points. For example, a good point is you can meet people and make friends who live on the other side of the planet. On the other hand, a bad point is that you can meet people and make friends who live on the other side of the planet..." - Charlie Bell, on the merits of the Internet "I am Captain of the good ship Rational Thought. Pity about all the mutinies though." - Paul Morrison "Except in Boulder, where all living species dine on tofu, trail mix and bottled water, human beings are the only voluntary vegetarians. All other species dine on their favorite foods without a moment's concern about how their favorite foods feel about that." - Roger Ebert "I agree that Morlocks look sexy to other members of their gene pool, as do alligators, octupi and boy bands." - Roger Ebert "Libraries. Yuck. In the past 12 years I've borrowed three books from the library." - Patrick Gliddon, librarian "I'm trying to develop responses to things that annoy me that don't involve the phrases 'nuke the site from orbit', 'I dispatch assassins', or the word 'smite'. Not going so well so far." - Claire Bickell "Any discipline that involves the use of statistics is not cool by definition." - Lalith Vipulananthan "I have to be inspiring about the artist's life! I have to talk about how gratifying it is to make a living through your art, at a time when I would blow spider monkeys for $10 an hour if someone offered me the job..." - Unknown "I have the personality of a throw pillow." - Brad DeLong > and the whole backyard is still under a blanket of snow (major > dump on sat night). Some details should really be kept to yourself Roxanne. Honestly! - Lalith Vipulananthan "I think this deserves a Mwahahahahahaaaaaa! "Mwahahahahahaaaaaa!"" - Chris Platts "There's no copy protection to worry about with the iPod. But if you break the law, Steve Jobs will turn up at your house, with his face half peeled off Terminator-stylee, and say in a quasi-Austrian accent "I told you not to steal music. I asked you nicely. Why did you disobey me? Don't you like me?" Then he'll activate his Reality Distortion Field to make it so that you were never even born." - Chris Platts "I'd forward the URL, but as you know, WSJ.com is a subscription service that's protected by high-tech anti-circumvention technology (in this case, a cookie) and I'm trying to cut back on my DMCA violations." - Andrew Downey "If I said at any time that Mozilla 1.0 would have no bugs then I was probably really, really, really drunk or being sarcastic." - Asa Dotzler, Mozilla developer "McEnroe was as charming as always, which means that he was as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread." - Clive James "Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts." - Clive James "She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short." - Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe "Scientists should not be allowed to play God. Brian Blessed would be much better." - The Onion "I will also be learning Finnish. I already know four words. There'll be no stopping me." - Fionna O'Sullivan "Why is it "Good" Friday? From Jesus's point of view, I guarantee you it was the *worst* friday He ever had. Why isn't it "Bad" Friday?" - Brad DeLong "I, for one, am looking forward to celebrating the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ by getting riotously pissed. It's what he would have wanted." - Rik Burke "Bloody users... the whole IT industry would be better off without them." - R. Lincoln "Any message that comes in a weird typeface with strange colors or backgrounds is obviously from an illiterate." - Roger Ebert, discussing email "Only an idiot doesn't go into his e-mail preferences and specify Plain Text instead of HTML. This is such a sane use of resources I believe it was actually mentioned in the Kyoto Accord." - Roger Ebert > Muslims and Hindus choking each other while Christians shoot at > them and Jews sell festival seating tickets to the event. Hey, I think you've found a lasting solution for Mideast peace. - John VanSickle "mental note to self: don't leave the hookers alone in the hotel suite with a new bag of rock. see, im trying to engender some street cred." - Moby "I'm curious about who would go to see this movie. Obviously moviegoers with a low opinion of their own taste. It's so obviously what it is that you would require a positive desire to throw away money in order to lose two hours of your life." - Roger Ebert, slamming _Sorority Boys_ "If it's this easy to get a screenplay filmed in Hollywood, why did they bother with that Project Greenlight contest? Why not ship all the entries directly to Larry Brezner, Michael Fottrell and Walter Hamada, the producers of "Sorority Boys," who must wear Santa suits to work?" - Roger Ebert, slamming _Sorority Boys_ "One element of "Sorority Boys" is undeniably good, and that is the title. Pause by the poster on the way into the theater. That will be your high point." - Roger Ebert > The impression I get is that this group is quickly degrading into > a bunch of "me too-ers" :( Yes, that's what I think too. - Dennis O'Connor > He's pwecious! Pwecious he is! Elmer Fudd IS Gollum in "Lowd of the Wings". - Catherine Johnson "Kittens: self-propelled barbed wire in a dewy-eyed mohair sweater." - Charlie Stross > > Where did all this Christian Soldier stuff come from? I realize > > "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition" was sort of tacked on > > later, in a battle situation, but why did the war methaphor pop > > up in a liturgical situation? > > What books of the Bible are a call to arms? > This is a