Jokes

Here are some excellent jokes: if you could be offended by the rather explicit nature of some of these jokes, turn back!

Last year, I upgraded my Girlfriend 5.0. to Girlfriend 5.1, which
installs itself as "Fiancee 1.0". Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0
to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my
space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.

It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system
resources. Some applications, such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and
Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-in-Law
55.8, and there is no unstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of
these behaviours were discussed in the brochures or documentation, although
other users have reported similar problems.

Because of this, some users I know have decided to avoid the headache
associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to
Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all
traces of Girlfriend 5.0. must first be removed from the system before
attempting installation of Girlfriend 6.0.

Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the
background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find
evidence of previous versions. To top it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently
has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

However, I do like some of the features you are planning to include in the
upcoming Girlfriend 6.1. release:

* A "Don't remind me again" button
* A Minimize button
* A Shutdown feature
* An InstallShield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled
if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects.)

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Things that Bart has written on the chalkboard:

I will not conduct my own fire drills
I will not instigate revolution
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I did not see Elvis
I will return the seeing-eye dog
Funny noises are not funny
I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'
I will not snap bras
Garlic gum is not funny
I will not fake seizures
They are laughing at me, not with me
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not Xerox my butt
It's potato, not potatoe
I will not bring sheep to class
I will not trade pants with others
A burp is not an answer
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
I am not a 32 year old woman
Teacher is not a leper
I will not do that thing with my tongue
Coffee is not for kids
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not eat things for money
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
I will not sell school property
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will not get very far with this attitude
Goldfish don't bounce
I will not make flatulent noises in class
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
I will not belch the National Anthem
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not sell miracle cures
I will not grease the monkey bars
Underwear should be worn on the inside
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not call the principal "spud head"
I will not carve gods
I will not sleep through my education
I will not spank others
I am not a dentist
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
High explosives and school don't mix
Hamsters cannot fly
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not deliciously saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not use abbrev.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not dissect things unless instructed
No one wants to hear my armpits
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

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During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronauticsand Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to
write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable
research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about
$1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a
novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown
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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices. --William James
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Half of the people in the world are below average.
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Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
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On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
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Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he
hasn't eaten in a while. --Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an
Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.
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Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
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Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash
in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good
results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
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The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when
you kill them. --William Clayton
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"Time's fun when you're having flies." --Kermit the Frog
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A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the
couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I
have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an
hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating
just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. I'm terribly sorry for
eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few. "Oh thats all
right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the
chocolate off them."

Some theological jokes:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervouse he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervouse on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC

7. The Father, Son and Holy Gost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not refered to as the Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub a dub dub. Thanks for the Grub..Yeah GOD.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

What am I?

THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I?

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS

NONE

OTHER

THAN....A

...........TOOTHBRUSH...........

What were you thinking? You pervert!

ANTI-PICKUP LINES: VERY rude!

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the

stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they

say "yes."]

4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is "legs."Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My name's [your name].That's so you know what to scream.

11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

12. Nice shoes.Wanna fuck?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label.When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

19. I like every bone in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

23.. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

25. Do you know what'd look good on you?Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear.Would you sleep with me?

27. So...How am I doin'?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

30. The first time is always the hardest.

31. Excuse me, are you on the pill?

32. Hi there.Do you swallow?

33. Wow!Are those real?

34. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?

35. Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?

36. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

37. Bond.James Bond.

38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids!Let's play gynecologist.

39. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.

40. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

41. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.

42. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile.So, would you smile for me?

43. So, do you wanna see something really swell?

44. I had sex with someone last night.Was that you?

45. Do you take it up the ass?

46. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

47. Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you? Uh...no.... Well, do you want some?

48. What would you do if I kissed you right now?

49. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

50. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two) Obvious reply: No, why? Because they're mine.

51. I'm drunk.

52. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

53. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

54. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.

55. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?

56. Hey, somebody farted.Let's get out of here.

57. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

58. Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

59. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

60. Pull my finger.

61. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.

62. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

63. Do you wanna go out for a pizza and a fuck? What, don't you like pizza?

64. Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

65. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

66. Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight.

67. They say love is a many splendored thing.Let's make some and find out...

68. Hi.I go down on the first date...how about you?

69. Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

70. To a woman: Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?

71. Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take ya home and fuck the shit out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples?

72. Excuse me.Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?

73.Hi! Can I buy you a car?

74. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

75. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished.

76. Will you marry me and have my children?

(unfortunate side-effects: beware!)

77. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a

weak heart.

78. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch!

79. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.

80. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?

81. Hey let's play house, you be the door and I'll slam you.

82. You know, your eyes would go great with my bedspread

83. Are you looking for Mr Right? Or Mr RightNow?

84. Would you like fries with that?

MORE JOKES!

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the
machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate
still attached to the bumper.

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs
counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that
the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the
tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for
Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her
husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather
than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in
the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary
van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must
be alive to qualify.

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff
opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five
of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited
years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with
delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red
light' five hundred times."

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five
robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.