Did I ever tell you about the time when
Howard Wilkonson was having a new stand build at EllandRoad?
He said to the builders "What ever you do don't disturb that
tree over there, because it was under that tree where i first had
sex." "How sentimental" the builder replied.
"Yes" continued Howard, and "don't touch that tree
either because that's where her mother stood watching us".
The Builder says "Her mother just stood there watching
whilst you were having sex with her daughter?
" "Yes" replied Howard. Builder "but what did
her mother say?" Howard "BAAA"
What do you call a scouser in a suit ?
The accused..
What do you throw to a drowning scouser?
His wife and kids!
How do you stop a scouser from drowning ?
Take your foot off his head!!
Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of
them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's
neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter (From the Scum?) who was
taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over,
introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his
story for the next edition.
He writes "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious
animal" The boy interupts "But I'm not a city fan"
The reporter starts again "Manchester Utd fan rescues friend
from horrific attack"
Again the boy interupts "But I'm not a Utd fan either"
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter."
"Liverpool" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again "Scouse bastard murders family
pet."
Three pregnant women in hospital
all have babies at the same time
One a manc,one a scouser and one a black
Nurses say to mothers after birth,
we have mixed them up, we don't
know which is which.
The manc runs in and takes the black baby
"Why did you do that says the nurse ?"
The manc says "well theres two white ones
and one of thems a scouser"
There's this scouser, a muslim and a hindu going to an inn for a
kip. They go up to the reception and are told that there's only
one double room left for the night. The unlucky person who
doesn't get a room has to sleep in the barn.
First of all the Hindu says, "I'll take the barn
tonight" so off he goes. The other two go off to their
rooms. Ten minutes later there's a knock on the door and the
Hindu says that he can't sleep there because there's a cow there
and the cow is considered to be sacred. Therefore, the Muslim
shrugs his shoulders and goes down to the barn himself.
Ten minutes later there's a knock on the door again and the
Muslim is standing there. He says that he can't sleep down there
because there's a pig there and the pig is considered to be a
dirty animal. Finally, the scouser goes downstairs to sleep in
the barn. Once again, ten minutes later there's a knock at the
door and the Hindu and the Muslim answer the door and it's the
pig and the cow !!!!!
A Scouser walks into a bar with a toad on his head.
"What the hell is that?" asks the barman.
The toad replies, "I don't know - it started as a wart on me
arse and grew."
Whats the difference between a shopping
trolley and a city manager?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own..
first he asks City what are his predictions for the season so
Coppel says "to stay in the league" next he asks Fergie
what his predictions are Fergies says "to win the league,
the cup, and make 10 million quid on merchandising"
So the reporter says to fergie "come on, be realistsic"
so fergie says " Coppel started it!"